Year in Books 2020

 In July of 2020, I became a professional book reviewer. A few months later I became a professional book editor as well. It should come as no surprise, then, that I've read a few books this year. Although I can't say every one of the 253 books on my goodreads shelf were spectacular, here are my top 20 favorite books that I read in 2020.

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared

By Jonas Jonasson

What it's about: This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's about an old man who decides he has better places to be than a nursing home, so he goes on an adventure. 

Why I liked it: This book is generally silly and playful, but it has an interesting undertone. At the beginning of the story, the old man seems like just another washed-up vegetable waiting to die. His children and grandchildren don't even have time to visit him on his 100th birthday. Throughout his adventures, however, it is slowly revealed that he had a beautiful and interesting life. While his past exploits are exaggerated to the point of being ludicrous, it reminded me that everyone has a story and every life has value. I've since had the opportunity to work on a series of children's books about Alzheimer's disease (details coming soon!), and it's been heartbreaking to see the way that elderly people are often disregarded, neglected and even abused. I'm glad that this book started my journey into this research.

I was disappointed that this one didn't make it onto last year's post because I started reading it in December of 2019, but it's worth waiting for ;)

Fun fact: This book was originally written in Swedish and became so well-respected in its original country that Hyperion couldn't help but get on board with it. There is a film based on this book. No comment. 

Pugtato Finds a Thing

By Sophie Corrigan

What it's about: Pugtato is a little spud who wants to find out what the thing is that he has found. The main character is a creature with a potato body and a dog's face, and his friends are similar hybrids of animals and vegetables, which sounds horrifying but is actually really adorable.

Why I liked it: Basically, this book is adorable. This 32-page picture book is filled with cheerful illustrations and clever rhymes and it's a lovely book to curl up with on a rainy day. The message is fluffy and warm, but sometimes that's just what a child—or a caretaker—needs on a rough day. This is one of three books I purchased in bulk to give to my students this year. 

The Scarlet Pimpernel

By Emmuska Orczy

What it's about: Set in the French Revolution, this story follows a young dandy whose unexpected antics save a number of French nobles from the guillotine. There's action! Adventure! Funny disguises! Humor! Romance! It was written in 1905 originally and has that lovely Victorian style mixed with clever diction that makes it amusing to read from beginning to end. 

Why I liked it: If you've read A Tale of Two Cities, you might think you've had enough of the French Revolution to last a lifetime. I hesitate to say that the Scarlet Pimpernel is on par with Dicken's classic, but it's good in a different way. Although it can be a bit difficult to follow at times, it's really a very clever book and offers something of the other side. I listened to the free audiobook at LibriVox and was highly satisfied with the narration and production. This is one I'd be happy to pick up again if I were ever on a road trip and needed something to keep me awake without worrying about any R-rated details popping up. 

How To: Absurd Scientific Advice for Common Real-World Problems

By Randall Munroe

What it's about: Another self-explanatory title, this book presents a number of real world problems (not sure how to dig a hole?) and then offers precise calculations for solving those problems (try dynamite!) and explains why a solution may or may not work as well as any drawbacks (Do stand far enough away). The math sometimes gets incomprehensible to someone who hasn't been trained in it (it's been a long time since high school geometry, okay), but the humor makes up for it. 

Why I liked it: Really this book just appeals to my sense of the absurd. It's written in a satirical style that I can't help but love. Although I don't think I'll be taking any of Munroe's advice, I feel much more equipped to explain why not.

Cinder

By Marissa Meyer

What it's about: As you might have guessed by the title, this is another Cinderella story. Haven't we had enough of these? Well, if I had to pick one beyond the original Grimm, this is the one I'd take with me to the proverbial desert island. Meyer skillfully introduces themes including pandemics, sci-fi curiosity, racism, immigration issues, grief, police brutality, genetic modifications, adoption, the struggles of leadership, war, and child abuse throughout the series. Although the plot includes a romance between Cinder and Prince Kai, the main focus of this Young Adult series is on doing what is right despite all the odds. 

Why I liked it: This was really a refreshing take on fairy tale retellings. I've read way too many of those this year, and most of them are not unique. This one stands out with its brilliant writing and careful insistence on treating heavy themes with care. And, yeah, the romance is pretty endearing as well. I listened to the audiobook read by Rebecca Soler and I now have a favorite voice actor. Expect to see Soler showing up in future lists of my favorite books. 

Summer Bird Blue

By Akemi Dawn Bowman

Uh, Trouble? This book was on your list last year. 

Yes, yes it was. I read it again, and I loved it just as much this time as well. Read it. To be fair, I did warn you.

What it's about: Summer Bird Blue is entirely about dealing with the death of a loved one and learning how to move past a devastating loss. Although it has a beautiful plot and stunning characters, the key feature in this book is how we get a look inside the main character's head as she grieves.

Why I liked it: Very few books really make me feel something. Sure I can get emotional over a romantic plotline or sad about a dog passing away, but only a few books I've ever read get to this level of empathy in my soul. The writing is just so good. I hope everyone reads this book at some point, though obviously, it handles some pretty dark themes. 

Fortunately, the Milk

By Neil Gaiman

What it's about: this is a fun children's book that is ostensibly an excuse for why one man was late bringing milk home for his children's breakfast. It's a rumpus adventure that sometimes makes sense and is full of all sorts of childhood fantasies that you sort of want to believe in but feel like you should know better. 

Why I liked it: This is another book that is really just fun. Gaiman does an excellent job keeping the story light and amusing while keeping up with the complexity of strangely named flying machines, inter-dimensional portals, magic crystals, time travel, alien police forces, and a variety of other fascinating elements. It's a short book and it includes a number of illustrations reminiscent of Roald Dahl's children's books. Both the audiobook and the print versions are phenomenal. You need a sense of humor to appreciate this book, but fortunately, I have one and I do. 

Harley in the Sky

By Akemi Dawn Bowman

Uh, Trouble? Akemi Dawn Bowman showed up on this list twice. Is this a conspiracy?

What it's about: Harley dreams of being an acrobat. Her parents think she should get a college degree. Harley runs away and joins the circus and discovers that things are a lot more complicated than she was hoping they would be. 

Why I liked it: I'm starting to think that I couldn't dislike anything by this author, but I'll say again that Bowman is something of a genius. She skillfully puts together themes of family, mental illness, growing up, injustice, and other critical forces and builds a breathtaking masterpiece that deserves to be read again and again. 

Love Advice from the Great Duke of Hell

By unfins

What it's about: Paul has a crush on Elena, but he doesn't know how to tell her. Therefore, he summons a demon to help him get the girl. What could possibly go wrong?

Why I liked it: I was initially drawn to this comic because of the title, and every single episode made me laugh, so I stayed. The series has gotten really complex and honestly very clever, but it still holds onto the brilliant humor that made it such a hit in the first place. It's a little sacrilegious and occasionally cringe, but it's worth it. You can read it today for free on Webtoons. 

Alright, guys, I'm getting tired of typing, which means that everything from here on out has got to be truly spectacular for me to want to spend the time describing it to you. 

Tune It Out 

By Jamie Sumner

What it's about: Tune It Out starts out as Lou is attempting to help her mom earn some money so the two of them can eat dinner and afford gas to heat the pickup truck they live in. Well, that doesn't go so well when Lou, a 12-year-old, attempts to drive the truck through a snowstorm to pick up her mom from work. She is apprehended by child protective services and ends up spending a semester with her Aunt in a posh suburb with a private school. Here she discovers that what she accepted as normal is subjective and that her mom is just a person too. Can Lou forgive her mom?

Why I liked it: Although Sumner's previous novel, Roll With It, fell pretty flat for me, Tune It Out is among the most beautiful and brilliant middle-grade novels I've read this year (and I've read over 100, so I know). Another master of weaving together difficult themes, Sumner finds a way to address so many social issues in one little book without making anything seem crowded. This book gave me a second look into how child neglect cases are handled and the way mentally disabled children are taken care of in a variety of settings. Each character is believable and intricate, and I wish I could give them all hugs. 

Every Heart a Doorway

By Seanan McGuire

What it's about: Have you ever wondered how Alice put her life back together after coming back from Wonderland? The Wayward Children were all summoned by worlds where they truly belonged, but for some reason, they were obliged to come back, and now they live desperate lives as mentally ill individuals looking for a place to belong. In this first novella in the series, Nancy comes back from the underworld where she could finally relax into stillness and darkness, but her parents don't understand where their colorful, noisy daughter went. Nancy arrives at Eleanor West's Home for Wayward Children, but not everything is right here either. Tragedy and mystery fall, keeping the plot interesting and the characters on their toes.

Why I liked it: Okay, so there is a plot, but I think within every human soul there is a longing to find where you belong. The rawness of losing something that so perfectly suits you is palatable in nearly every page of this book, and the relief of finding it again brings me to tears every time. I love the poetic style of this book juxtaposed with grisly murders. It's truly a stunning work of art. I didn't particularly love the sequels, but maybe they'll get better. 

The Tea Dragon Tapestry

By Katie O'Neill

What it's about: This is the third book in the Tea Dragon series and it follows the story of two girls: Greta is working to become a master artist while learning to care for a small animal who recently lost its owner. Minette has lost her memories and is looking for a way to be at peace with what she left behind and how to move forward. Fluffy little dragons and cozy illustrations are peppered throughout this 128-page graphic novel. 

Why I liked it: I spent the better part of the summer reading middle-grade graphic novels for my third-grade shelf. This is the only one I bought. The art is simply lovely, and the themes of tea and craftsmanship really appeal to me personally. I love how gently the author treats each character, showing respect and tenderness for each one's struggles and offering hope that no matter what happens, there is hope. I was able to read the first and second books as well, and the whole series just makes me smile. 

Adultolescence

By Gabbie Hanna

What it's about: Adultolescence is a collection of poetic works on themes including adult life, romance, work, depression, and bacon, among other things. It's written in a quirky straightforward style and comes with a variety of contour sketches.

Why I liked it: So, I have both physical and mental chronic illnesses. Gabbie Hanna gets it. Sometimes she's way off the mark, but sometimes she's the most relatable thing I've ever read. With choppy little poems like "life isn't fair/but it's unfair to everyone/so that's fair i guess" [sic], you can't call her poems beautiful, but they are emotional, and that's what they need to be. I hesitate to buy this book because I still haven't decided if Hanna should get the Ferrari she writes about wanting in the last poem, but I think I'd enjoy reading it if it were on my coffee table every day. 

The Prince and the Dressmaker

By Jen Wang

What it's about: Prince Sebastian enjoys dressing up in wigs, makeup, and glorious dresses. Unsurprisingly, that doesn't go over well in a conservative Victorian-esc family that wants nothing more than for the prince to get married and become a great king. 

Why I liked it: This graphic novel is almost definitely written to send the message "it's okay for boys to wear dresses" and at a casual glance, it seems pretty simple. As an adult reading a children's book, I'm equipped to think more critically than the target audience, and that got me thinking more and more about gender representation and why it matters. The key theme in this book is that a parent's love means more than any amount of cultural acceptance. Regardless of where your opinion falls on the gender debate, this book reminds you that you don't have to approve of someone's actions in order to love them. 

How To Be a Movie Star

By T.J. Klune

What it's about: Josiah Erickson wants to be a movie star. When he meets a really cute book author and discovers that the man is about to make a film, Josie wants in. With a cast of crazy characters and the ridiculous scene of a surrealist movie set, an adorable gay romance blossoms.

Why I liked it: This one is totally a guilty pleasure for me. If you don't like romance, gay romance, marijuana use, coarse language, and awkward phone calls to internet companies, don't read this book. However, if all that is fine, you'll be swept away by Klune's compelling writing style and sensitivity as he creates a truly funny rom-com that isn't full of cringe humor. Klune is an absolute master of writing romance without making it sexual, and I think this one would be just as good if it were hetero as well. Klune is just good at his craft. I wish this one were more family-friendly, but it's really charming despite that. 

Primer

By Jennifer Muro

What it's about: Ashley is attempting to find the right foster home while her father makes his way through jail time for homicide when she discovers a cool new superpower. By putting enhanced paints on her body, she can become a superhero. 

Why I liked it: Like the other graphic novels I've loved, this one has absolutely delightful illustrations. I loved every page of this book. Art alone doesn't get a book to a 5-star rating though--I need well-built characters, and this book delivers her also. Ashley has a unique and upbeat character that makes you just want to be her friend, although you'd expect to get into trouble more than a little bit if you hung out with her much. Her friends and family are similarly well-designed, and each scene is powerful and endearing. 

See You in the Cosmos

By Jack Cheng

What it's about: Alex is heading to a rocket convention to send his homemade rocket to outer space. His goal is to follow in the footsteps of his hero Carl Sagan by recording all sorts of things on to a Golden iPod so that life out there will know what it's really like down here. The story takes on some unexpected twists when Alex discovers that his dad might still be alive and his mom has a mental illness. Alex sets out on a quest to make things right, because if he tries hard enough and believes with all his might, anything is possible... right?

Why I liked it: First of all, make sure you get the audiobook version. Although the story is good, it's written as transcripts of Alex's recordings, and the detailed effects and cast of characters really help this book come to life. The print version is good too, though. I loved how detailed Alex's character is. Although he is very mature in some ways, he's still just a child, and it was really endearing to see him grow throughout the story. He learns so much, and I felt like I was growing right alongside him. 

Erik vs. Everything

Christina Uss

What it's about: Erik is afraid of a lot of things. He tried to make a list once, but it's just too long, so he's satisfied to say he's afraid of everything. His family, however, doesn't seem to understand what fear is, and when his sister formulates a battle plan to attack and defeat fear itself, Erik is characteristically afraid. 

Why I liked it: I've found a lot of books this year that deal with hard topics. This one is pretty straightforward in that it deals with anxiety. Children often have trouble understanding and regulating their emotions, but typically by age 10, they can grasp things and get their feelings under control. This is not usually true of children with clinical anxiety, but that doesn't mean the situation is hopeless. Erik vs. Everything offers a comical background with real world tips for how to deal with anxiety as well as how to be supportive around those who struggle with the illness. Although this book technically doesn't come out until next summer, it's worth waiting for.

The Night Circus

By Erin Morgenstern

What it's about: The Night Circus is sometimes surreal and sometimes grindingly concrete, but always majestic. It's written in an elegant Victorian style and follows the lives of two young magicians who are cursed to battle each other until a winner is declared. Their competition results in the Night Circus, a glorious spectacle that seems too good to be true. 

Why I liked it: It's not often that you come across a book that allows you to simply lose yourself in the wording. This was like a 391-page poem. Morgenstern introduces characters and plot twists with the grace of her star contortionist and spins brilliant fantasies in just a few sentences. I hated to put this book down. Morgenstern is a truly promising author, and I can't wait to read more of her books. 

Fun fact: the first drafts of this novel were written as part of NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month) between 2005 and 2008.

If you were counting, you might have discovered that there are only 19 books listed here. I'm not trying to cheat you, I just got tired of typing. For more recommendations and to keep up with my current reading list, feel free to follow me on goodreads. Reviews posted weekly.

I'll be moving to a newer, prettier blog soon, so keep an eye out for updates. Thanks. 

Trouble, why did you pick up the book, My Conversations with Canadians by Lee Maracle? 

Those of you who know me have heard that I lived in Canada for a time, specifically Quebec. I was an undergraduate student at the time trying to finish up a French degree, but I was looking forward to learning something about the world that I hadn't known before. As a child, I had been aware of Canada's existence and location. I even knew how to spell Saskatchewan (wait, did I really get that right on the first try? As they say in Canada, easy to draw, hard to spell: Saskatchewan). Going to Canada was something like what I expected and somewhat not. One item that was briefly mentioned in my art and culture of Canada class was the situation surrounding First Nations people of Canada. My class studied this topic one night over a 2-hour class period, and then promptly forgot about it. 

Imagine my surprise when I opened the audiobook mentioned above, and I discovered that it was written by a woman of the Sto:lo nation who has a few things to say to Canadians about the difficulties that have been forced upon her, her nation, and other tribes throughout the Americas. I imagined the book would have something to do with Canadians; I wasn't expecting to be placed in an immersive artistic and passionate retelling of the injustices that blanket the globe, but particularly apply to the First people of what is now North America. 

The book is written in 13 parts, some over an hour long, and some just five minutes. Each piece is directed at a misunderstanding that Maracle has found herself addressing over and over again as a speaker, author and artist. I've seen people asking just how much protesting and awareness-raising there has to be. Obviously as much as it takes until these injustices are corrected. As I write this, there are still protests across the United States spurred by racially-fueled police violence. In many ways, it's discouraging to see the same sorts of racial injustices perpetrated by the "nicest colonizers" in Canada.

Maracle's voice joins many others in an attempt to alert others that things are not okay. While her message itself is not unique, her voice is powerful in its poetic and personable elegance that stands tall on a backbone of ownership. Lee Maracle is not taking this lying down. 

Will Rogers once said that everyone is ignorant, just in different subjects. Debby Irving has said that you don't know how much you don't know. I say that we can't afford to continue being ignorant about the human rights that continue to be at times unknowingly stolen from people. People whose only difference from me is the color of their skin. People who want to preserve their culture and traditions. People who have had everything stolen from them and are still fighting to get it back hundreds of years later. 

The long story short is that this book is going on my list of "art" books because it moves me. Maracle's words bring me to the brilliant highs of culture and power and hope as well as the lows of confusion, helplessness and loss. Although the message calling for awareness and understanding is not new, the avenue of semi-poetic prose stands out as one of the more remarkable pieces on human rights that I've experienced so far. Maracle isn't pushy, but she is determined and passionate. Her assertations are clear and powerful. Her way of smoothly including her own perspective isn't so much an argument as an unshakable truth. I would love to see this book in the hands of Canadians and Americans and anyone else who wants or needs to know what respect for human life and culture looks like. 

Glass of Water

So, let's talk about women. Women are smaller than men. Women are curvier than men. Women are more emotional than men. Women are weaker than men. Women like children more than men do. Women are better at multitasking. Women are worse at math. Women are silly, sassy, sexy, bubbly, pretty, soft, sweet, feisty, frigid, frumpy, frivolous, vain, temperamental, passive...

Like many stereotypes, the illusion of feminine runs deep, and it's difficult at times to take a step back and look at what character traits are intrinsically female and which are merely human. Despite a pretty extensive array of ways in which women's rights have been pioneered in the last few centuries, the stereotype remains and still distinctly classes men and women as different species.

I'm not a sociologist, and while I definitely have speculations and thoughts on the subject, I think the more valuable thing I have to offer is my own experience here.

See, as a human being born with a female body, I experience an annoying amount of dysphoria. That is to say, I'm not comfortable with my own body. And I know you might be like, no, that's just a thing that women do, but hear me out. I don't mean the cosmetic things about being a woman, being too fat or not having the right texture of hair, but the deep, intrinsic items that define me as a woman.

I recall one particular instance of lying in a bathtub crying while looking at my chest and thinking that life would be better if my breasts had never developed. I've tried to claim that everything was fine before puberty. I had nothing against being a girl; but becoming a woman was something that I never wanted and am still a bit resentful of. I recognize now that part of this is because of my asexuality and the consequent uselessness of my reproductive system, as well as the inconvenience of having to care for my baby-making parts despite having never needed or wanted them. I still wish I could just get them removed, even though it's been years since puberty.

What is a woman anyway? In the broadest definition, a woman is merely a member of homo sapiens sapiens who happens to be female. If you draw up a mental picture of a woman, though, chances are you'll get something like what google shows you if you type in an image search; long hair, attractive smile, makeup, lingerie, fashionable clothing, doe-like expression, kissing, sunsets... And then the stories they come with: celebrity status, sex, rape, women's rights, wealth, kidnappings, Wonder Woman, abuse, dating tips, mail order brides, weight, bodies, chests, attractive, swimsuits, beaches.

Does Google know what a woman is? I wonder if anyone can really define it beyond the mere facts of male vs female.

But back to me (because, again, I could offer social commentary, but I hope you'll do some thinking yourself and I'm not an expert, just a researcher).

I don't mind being a girl. Girls are okay. Not great, but not terrible, just like boys. And I suppose if I could have stayed a girl, things might be different, but it wouldn't change the comments that I've gotten all my life.
"You're so pretty"
"You should be a model, you're so tall and thin"
"Why don't you let your brother lift that?"
"Wow, you're actually shorter than me"
"I wish I could be bubbly and cute like you"
"mmm, dat ass"
"Really, you're going to cry over that?"
"You be the dad"
"Your boobs are really big"
"Why don't you wear more dresses?"
"Ladies don't talk like that"
"Like you need heels to be taller"

So, guys, what I'm getting here is that I can't be a woman because I'm tall and strong and thoughtful and practical. But I have to be a woman because I like glitter and stickers and I'm sometimes afraid.

UG! WTF, society! What does it even mean to be a woman? Why do I have to fit into some sort of box? I'm tired of it. I just want to be human. I want to be exactly who I enjoy being without that niggling fear that I'm somehow betraying my gender. You'd never know it to look at me, but I hesitate. I hesitate when I wink and blow a kiss. I hesitate when I offer my strong arms to help you up. I hesitate when I think I might cry. I hesitate when I have to decide once more what the appropriate response is to "wow, you're tall."

I don't want to be valued as a woman, exactly. I want to be valued as a person. I have some traits that are typically feminine. I also have some traits that are typically masculine. But that's okay, you guys. I just wanted to let you know why I don't like being called "she" so very much. It feels constricting. I'm certainly not "he" either, but whatever you imagine I am because I'm a woman is stomped on and crushed as soon as you say "but, I wasn't expecting that." So, stop expecting me to be that at all. I don't need to live my life to prove you right or wrong, and I'm tired of hearing about it.

How To They/Them

 I think it's high time I had out with it. I identify as mostly female. This probably will not surprise anyone who knows me irl, but I think it had to be said. Female is, of course, many things, but can involve she/her pronouns. I think that I am not alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with these pronouns from time to time, but we can get into that later. 

I'm not actually here to have a big coming out story. See, I've just finished this book, How To They/Them: A Visual Guide to Nonbinary Pronouns and the World of Gender Fluidity by Stuart Getty. I've already written a short review of the book, so feel free to check that out in the comments section. If this is the sort of thing you like, then please do read it. Okay, Sirah, then what are you here for? Okay, okay. Even though I'm not particularly unclear about where I fall on the so-called gender binary, I've been thinking about femininity lately. 

Basically, I want to know where we get this idea of gender in the first place. Why is everyone automatically either masculine or feminine? I get that based on reproductive function, there is some sort of classification, but if my studies of genetics and external characteristics have anything to say, these two categories aren't exclusive either. But sex and gender don't necessarily have to do with each other. 

Definition: sex being having biological indicators of male, female or something else

Definition: gender being actions, feelings or tendencies that are more typical of either masculine or feminine. 

I've just gotta say, there isn't a really compelling reason why sex and gender should be assumed to match with one another. My experience leads me to believe that most female people have more typically feminine tendencies, but this is not a rule, and shouldn't be treated as one.

I actually don't have much more to say here. I just want to pose the question; what if gender is actually all fake? What if there are good things about being masculine, good things about being feminine, good things about being both, and good things about being neither? 

Another one about suffering, but also about death

It's an age-old question that many have asked, "if God is so good and powerful, why is there evil and suffering in the world?" I've asked this question; friends have asked this question; author and pastor Christian M.M. Brady has also asked this question. If you have a better answer to this than I have, you might just be either a genius or a lot less sensitive than you should be. 

Arguments range from the concept that suffering occurs because of free will and the consequences of sin all the way to the concept of a micro-managing god who somehow can't find a better way of inspiring people to do good than to slaughter their children. Brady, who has gone through the devastating suffering of losing a young child, doesn't offer the classic pat answers, and I find that refreshing. He admits that he doesn't know. This book is more focused on how to live with suffering and loss than on explaining why it happens. Realistically, while the reasons for suffering remain an interesting thought exercise, we really can't know why every bad thing happens. Instead, we can do as Gandalf recommends and decide what to do with the time we are given. 

I personally do not have any children. It's sort of my dream to be an aunt, but that's not the same thing. I cannot really imagine therefore, what it's like to lose a child. (I kind of hate that phrase, "lose a child" because it sort of implies that they're not really gone, just misplaced, which is kind of a sad joke). But anyway, as I read Brady's book, my thoughts turned toward my aunt and uncle whose young daughter passed away several years ago after a sudden infliction of brain cancer. To this day, they carry that grief around with them everywhere. I think that like most people, I sometimes get a little impatient with this grieving. I wish they could move on and go back to being happy and fun to be with all the time.I wish it could get better.

I wonder if grief is like chronic illness. I'm sure that I'll inevitably have the chance to compare the two since I know and love many people and one of them is sure to die eventually. My chronic illness is always hanging over my head reminding me of what once was and can never be again and I'm always finding it popping up in conversations that have nothing in particular to do with it. Like right now. While the two are certainly not the same, there is grief in dealing with loss of good health that finds a sharper tone in the grief of death.

As much as I joke about it, there is also a very real grief from the mere absence of a person in your life even if they haven't actually died. Basically, we have a lot of things to grieve about in life. And you know what? It's okay to grieve. Grieve for the loss of a friendship. Grieve for the loss of a lover. Grieve for the loss of an animal, a place, anything you may not see again or experience with the same joy and freedom. And it's okay to grieve however you think is necessary. There isn't really a wrong way to grieve. 

Obviously, the death of a child or really any loved one is one of the more devastating events in life. Grief comes from many sources, but ultimately, the question we need to ask in the face of suffering is not so much about why we must face it as what we do with it. Brady has some suggestions, which include looking toward eternity, offering comfort in the here and now, taking practical step to help mitigate the suffering of those around you and finding positive ways to remember the life and joy of those who are gone. 

Diction: Baby

When did humans start using the word "baby" as a term of endearment for a significant other? Just, how?

I look at a baby, and there are a lot of likable things about it, but babies are pretty much the last thing on my list of things with which to have a romantic relationship--and that list includes paintings and potted plants. Er, scratch that, there are some things that just shouldn't be on that list, and babies are one of them.

Please, love babies. Do not consider them as romantic or sexual partners. Do Not.

I asked the children what they thought of this. We listen to a lot of annoying pop songs on the radio, and I had noticed that "baby" still hasn't died out as a common hook in a song. So, I asked the children what they thought about this. The 7 year old replied that you should love your boyfriend or girlfriend as much as you love a baby, but she agreed that you don't love them in the same way. The other children didn't say much, preferring to ignore the question.

Now, on the one hand, calling a partner "baby" does signal something warm and gentle, as well as a desire to protect. This would be lovely if that were how the term were used. But consider the derivative "babe" which generally implies a voluptuous, scantily clad woman. Not someone soft and quiet and helpless.

Is this a ploy to infantalize people? To make our partners feel helpless and wimpy? Reportedly the term goes back to the 17th century at least, at which point women were very much considered inferior in many ways to men. Well, that's not okay with me.

So, what to do? I don't suppose I can convince the world to stop using the word "baby" as a romantic term, but I wish I could. I personally refuse to be called "baby" by anyone.

I was delighted to discover a EDM band that considered this and gave me back some of my pride as a human by using the word "lady" where other songs might use "baby." Obviously this would sound silly in Justin Bieber's song "baby." The word "lady" is much more formal and impersonal. But you know, words matter, and given the choice, I'd rather take the term that grants me respect and graciousness rather than one that implies that I'm a helpless sexual object.

Chronic Illness

What is Chronic Illness? 

Chronic illness is effectively always being sick. I'm sure there are cleverer definitions, but that's what it is to me. And since I'm writing this blog, I get to decide how to interpret my own answers. So there. I've been ill for about 10 years now. It wasn't so bad at first, but it has gotten worse, and now it is Noticeable.

Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but for me, my illness went like this:
1. I'm not feeling so good sometimes
2. I'm feeling downright crummy sometimes
3. I'm feeling terrible more times than not
4. I'm feeling terrible a lot of the time.
5. I rarely feel good.

Today happens to be a good day. I'm in pain, sure, but I'm not depressed and I'm able to function mostly like a healthy human being. I can get out of bed, I can eat food. I can listen to sounds. I can workout at the gym. I can play with the children. I can do work. I can socialize.

Yesterday happened to be a bad day. I barely got out of bed. I lied to everyone who asked me how I was doing. I finished my day by crawling from the couch to the bed and spending 9 hours tossing and turning while I tried not to cry or throw up. I admit that yesterday was the first time that I was in so much pain that I reacted by puking. I'd kind of like that to not happen again, but I don't know that I can do much about it.

What's it like having a chronic illness?

Again, not to speak for everyone, but in my experience, dealing with the pain isn't actually the hardest part of having a chronic illness. Human bodies and brains are amazingly resilient. You stub your toe, and your nervous system goes YIKES! but then your brain says, no, it's okay, we can still walk. On with the football game! I'm in pain like 98% of the time, but I honestly sometimes sort of forget that I'm in pain because my psyche is like, dude, we have other things to think about. Like, I go to yoga class, and the instructor asks us to do a down dog, and I have to stop and think about it, hmm, are my wrists feeling good enough to support half my body weight right now? Nope. Rarely. But the pain isn't constantly pressing me down. It could certainly be worse, and I know that some people do deal with constant noticeable pain, but it remains incredible how much pain human beings are capable of dealing with once we realize we can't do anything about it.

No, the hard parts of chronic illness are things like waking up in the morning and counting your spoons (aka, emotional energy), and realizing you'll never be able to get everything done because you just don't have it in you today. Things like meeting someone new and trying really hard to find things to say that don't have anything to do with illness, even though it's a huge part of what you think about most of the time, but you don't want them to immediately think of you as a sick person. It's things like being afraid to make appointments because you don't know if you'll be feeling up to it that day and you hate feeling like a flake. It's things like people asking how you are, and secretly knowing that you'll never be able to honestly say "good," but you kind of have to because there's no point in getting into the whole story in passing. It's knowing that you might never get better, no matter how many good wishes are sent your way. It's when people eventually stop sending flowers and cards because "get well soon" doesn't stand up against the permanence of the illness. It's the loneliness. It's the depression. It's the helplessness. 

What can you do to help?

Well, you can care.