When I was 14, Sir Winsalot dubbed me Lady
Watchalot. We were joined in our cohort by Sir Cheatsalot, Lady Talksalot, Lord
Scheming, Sir Hopeful, and Lady Knowsalot. I watched them a lot. I watched them
play. I watched them learn. I watched them grow. I watched as they moved away.
I guess I did too.
Some internet meme has been telling me that life
will pass me by as I watch and I’ll be left alone and empty because I’ve never
participated.
All my life I’ve been on the sidelines, in the
audience, or backstage. They tried to make me a leader, but I retreated to
behind my camera. I don’t think they understood because after that they stopped
inviting me to their parties and picnics. If that’s what they meant by left
behind, then I guess I do feel alone. But isn’t there a place for someone like
me to stand on the sidewalk and cheer as the parade goes by?
You didn’t have courage.
You never stepped out.
You never tried hard enough.
You were content in your comfort zone.
You never said you wanted to participate.
You never reached out.
You never made anything worth showing off.
You never escaped the fear of what others might
think if you showed off what you’d made.
You always just waited for someone else to
initiate.
You never seemed to want to be a part of
anything.
You buckled under the pressure.
You left when it got too hard.
You will always be left alone sweeping the
streets after the parade has gone by.
Psh. So?
Even when I’m in the midst of these activities,
I’m still on the outside. I can’t see all of it; it’s overwhelming. Perhaps I
was born on the outside. I can see much more clearly from there.
Tell me, O sage internet meme, what it means to
experience something.
Does it mean that to experience something is to
see it?
To hear it?
To taste it?
To be immersed in it?
To understand it?
To remember it?
To have your whole mind and body engaged in it?
To be doing it at the same time as all the other
people?
To be able to discuss it play by play once it’s
over?
To lose your sense of anything else in favor of
sensing it?
To breathe it in and feel it in your entire
body?
To feel it deeply in your gut even when your head
is telling you it cannot be?
Ah, internet meme, how often do we really
experience anything? Really truly experience it? How often are we trapped
behind a glass barrier, feeling like we’re only just watching through a tiny
screen, even though we are completely surrounded by it?
Can we stand on a mountain and not feel the
wind? Can we stand in the mall and not smell anything special? Can we be on the
ice rink and not feel the impact of the cold, the echoes, the slice of skates,
the heat of our own breath? Can we stand in the rain and not feel like dancing?
What is this reality that you seem to think I’m
missing out on? You say that the positive emotions I feel in response to what I
love can never be real and that the brokenness I feel at your scorn for my
passion is the only reality. Or is it that because I’ve never run a marathon I can
never know what it’s really like? Well, what is reality anyway? Is it an
objective fact without any feeling attached? Then how is it we experience real
love even when there’s no objective reality involved but often impossible
insanity? Real is what is, not what you think is.
Oh, internet meme, what does it mean to really
live? How can you think to answer that for me?
“There she goes again, staring at the sky. She’s
always off in her own little world.”
It’s not my world. You live here too. You just
can’t understand it because for you, real is what happens in your own head.
But my world isn’t little.
