Year in Books 2020

 In July of 2020, I became a professional book reviewer. A few months later I became a professional book editor as well. It should come as no surprise, then, that I've read a few books this year. Although I can't say every one of the 253 books on my goodreads shelf were spectacular, here are my top 20 favorite books that I read in 2020.

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared

By Jonas Jonasson

What it's about: This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's about an old man who decides he has better places to be than a nursing home, so he goes on an adventure. 

Why I liked it: This book is generally silly and playful, but it has an interesting undertone. At the beginning of the story, the old man seems like just another washed-up vegetable waiting to die. His children and grandchildren don't even have time to visit him on his 100th birthday. Throughout his adventures, however, it is slowly revealed that he had a beautiful and interesting life. While his past exploits are exaggerated to the point of being ludicrous, it reminded me that everyone has a story and every life has value. I've since had the opportunity to work on a series of children's books about Alzheimer's disease (details coming soon!), and it's been heartbreaking to see the way that elderly people are often disregarded, neglected and even abused. I'm glad that this book started my journey into this research.

I was disappointed that this one didn't make it onto last year's post because I started reading it in December of 2019, but it's worth waiting for ;)

Fun fact: This book was originally written in Swedish and became so well-respected in its original country that Hyperion couldn't help but get on board with it. There is a film based on this book. No comment. 

Pugtato Finds a Thing

By Sophie Corrigan

What it's about: Pugtato is a little spud who wants to find out what the thing is that he has found. The main character is a creature with a potato body and a dog's face, and his friends are similar hybrids of animals and vegetables, which sounds horrifying but is actually really adorable.

Why I liked it: Basically, this book is adorable. This 32-page picture book is filled with cheerful illustrations and clever rhymes and it's a lovely book to curl up with on a rainy day. The message is fluffy and warm, but sometimes that's just what a child—or a caretaker—needs on a rough day. This is one of three books I purchased in bulk to give to my students this year. 

The Scarlet Pimpernel

By Emmuska Orczy

What it's about: Set in the French Revolution, this story follows a young dandy whose unexpected antics save a number of French nobles from the guillotine. There's action! Adventure! Funny disguises! Humor! Romance! It was written in 1905 originally and has that lovely Victorian style mixed with clever diction that makes it amusing to read from beginning to end. 

Why I liked it: If you've read A Tale of Two Cities, you might think you've had enough of the French Revolution to last a lifetime. I hesitate to say that the Scarlet Pimpernel is on par with Dicken's classic, but it's good in a different way. Although it can be a bit difficult to follow at times, it's really a very clever book and offers something of the other side. I listened to the free audiobook at LibriVox and was highly satisfied with the narration and production. This is one I'd be happy to pick up again if I were ever on a road trip and needed something to keep me awake without worrying about any R-rated details popping up. 

How To: Absurd Scientific Advice for Common Real-World Problems

By Randall Munroe

What it's about: Another self-explanatory title, this book presents a number of real world problems (not sure how to dig a hole?) and then offers precise calculations for solving those problems (try dynamite!) and explains why a solution may or may not work as well as any drawbacks (Do stand far enough away). The math sometimes gets incomprehensible to someone who hasn't been trained in it (it's been a long time since high school geometry, okay), but the humor makes up for it. 

Why I liked it: Really this book just appeals to my sense of the absurd. It's written in a satirical style that I can't help but love. Although I don't think I'll be taking any of Munroe's advice, I feel much more equipped to explain why not.

Cinder

By Marissa Meyer

What it's about: As you might have guessed by the title, this is another Cinderella story. Haven't we had enough of these? Well, if I had to pick one beyond the original Grimm, this is the one I'd take with me to the proverbial desert island. Meyer skillfully introduces themes including pandemics, sci-fi curiosity, racism, immigration issues, grief, police brutality, genetic modifications, adoption, the struggles of leadership, war, and child abuse throughout the series. Although the plot includes a romance between Cinder and Prince Kai, the main focus of this Young Adult series is on doing what is right despite all the odds. 

Why I liked it: This was really a refreshing take on fairy tale retellings. I've read way too many of those this year, and most of them are not unique. This one stands out with its brilliant writing and careful insistence on treating heavy themes with care. And, yeah, the romance is pretty endearing as well. I listened to the audiobook read by Rebecca Soler and I now have a favorite voice actor. Expect to see Soler showing up in future lists of my favorite books. 

Summer Bird Blue

By Akemi Dawn Bowman

Uh, Trouble? This book was on your list last year. 

Yes, yes it was. I read it again, and I loved it just as much this time as well. Read it. To be fair, I did warn you.

What it's about: Summer Bird Blue is entirely about dealing with the death of a loved one and learning how to move past a devastating loss. Although it has a beautiful plot and stunning characters, the key feature in this book is how we get a look inside the main character's head as she grieves.

Why I liked it: Very few books really make me feel something. Sure I can get emotional over a romantic plotline or sad about a dog passing away, but only a few books I've ever read get to this level of empathy in my soul. The writing is just so good. I hope everyone reads this book at some point, though obviously, it handles some pretty dark themes. 

Fortunately, the Milk

By Neil Gaiman

What it's about: this is a fun children's book that is ostensibly an excuse for why one man was late bringing milk home for his children's breakfast. It's a rumpus adventure that sometimes makes sense and is full of all sorts of childhood fantasies that you sort of want to believe in but feel like you should know better. 

Why I liked it: This is another book that is really just fun. Gaiman does an excellent job keeping the story light and amusing while keeping up with the complexity of strangely named flying machines, inter-dimensional portals, magic crystals, time travel, alien police forces, and a variety of other fascinating elements. It's a short book and it includes a number of illustrations reminiscent of Roald Dahl's children's books. Both the audiobook and the print versions are phenomenal. You need a sense of humor to appreciate this book, but fortunately, I have one and I do. 

Harley in the Sky

By Akemi Dawn Bowman

Uh, Trouble? Akemi Dawn Bowman showed up on this list twice. Is this a conspiracy?

What it's about: Harley dreams of being an acrobat. Her parents think she should get a college degree. Harley runs away and joins the circus and discovers that things are a lot more complicated than she was hoping they would be. 

Why I liked it: I'm starting to think that I couldn't dislike anything by this author, but I'll say again that Bowman is something of a genius. She skillfully puts together themes of family, mental illness, growing up, injustice, and other critical forces and builds a breathtaking masterpiece that deserves to be read again and again. 

Love Advice from the Great Duke of Hell

By unfins

What it's about: Paul has a crush on Elena, but he doesn't know how to tell her. Therefore, he summons a demon to help him get the girl. What could possibly go wrong?

Why I liked it: I was initially drawn to this comic because of the title, and every single episode made me laugh, so I stayed. The series has gotten really complex and honestly very clever, but it still holds onto the brilliant humor that made it such a hit in the first place. It's a little sacrilegious and occasionally cringe, but it's worth it. You can read it today for free on Webtoons. 

Alright, guys, I'm getting tired of typing, which means that everything from here on out has got to be truly spectacular for me to want to spend the time describing it to you. 

Tune It Out 

By Jamie Sumner

What it's about: Tune It Out starts out as Lou is attempting to help her mom earn some money so the two of them can eat dinner and afford gas to heat the pickup truck they live in. Well, that doesn't go so well when Lou, a 12-year-old, attempts to drive the truck through a snowstorm to pick up her mom from work. She is apprehended by child protective services and ends up spending a semester with her Aunt in a posh suburb with a private school. Here she discovers that what she accepted as normal is subjective and that her mom is just a person too. Can Lou forgive her mom?

Why I liked it: Although Sumner's previous novel, Roll With It, fell pretty flat for me, Tune It Out is among the most beautiful and brilliant middle-grade novels I've read this year (and I've read over 100, so I know). Another master of weaving together difficult themes, Sumner finds a way to address so many social issues in one little book without making anything seem crowded. This book gave me a second look into how child neglect cases are handled and the way mentally disabled children are taken care of in a variety of settings. Each character is believable and intricate, and I wish I could give them all hugs. 

Every Heart a Doorway

By Seanan McGuire

What it's about: Have you ever wondered how Alice put her life back together after coming back from Wonderland? The Wayward Children were all summoned by worlds where they truly belonged, but for some reason, they were obliged to come back, and now they live desperate lives as mentally ill individuals looking for a place to belong. In this first novella in the series, Nancy comes back from the underworld where she could finally relax into stillness and darkness, but her parents don't understand where their colorful, noisy daughter went. Nancy arrives at Eleanor West's Home for Wayward Children, but not everything is right here either. Tragedy and mystery fall, keeping the plot interesting and the characters on their toes.

Why I liked it: Okay, so there is a plot, but I think within every human soul there is a longing to find where you belong. The rawness of losing something that so perfectly suits you is palatable in nearly every page of this book, and the relief of finding it again brings me to tears every time. I love the poetic style of this book juxtaposed with grisly murders. It's truly a stunning work of art. I didn't particularly love the sequels, but maybe they'll get better. 

The Tea Dragon Tapestry

By Katie O'Neill

What it's about: This is the third book in the Tea Dragon series and it follows the story of two girls: Greta is working to become a master artist while learning to care for a small animal who recently lost its owner. Minette has lost her memories and is looking for a way to be at peace with what she left behind and how to move forward. Fluffy little dragons and cozy illustrations are peppered throughout this 128-page graphic novel. 

Why I liked it: I spent the better part of the summer reading middle-grade graphic novels for my third-grade shelf. This is the only one I bought. The art is simply lovely, and the themes of tea and craftsmanship really appeal to me personally. I love how gently the author treats each character, showing respect and tenderness for each one's struggles and offering hope that no matter what happens, there is hope. I was able to read the first and second books as well, and the whole series just makes me smile. 

Adultolescence

By Gabbie Hanna

What it's about: Adultolescence is a collection of poetic works on themes including adult life, romance, work, depression, and bacon, among other things. It's written in a quirky straightforward style and comes with a variety of contour sketches.

Why I liked it: So, I have both physical and mental chronic illnesses. Gabbie Hanna gets it. Sometimes she's way off the mark, but sometimes she's the most relatable thing I've ever read. With choppy little poems like "life isn't fair/but it's unfair to everyone/so that's fair i guess" [sic], you can't call her poems beautiful, but they are emotional, and that's what they need to be. I hesitate to buy this book because I still haven't decided if Hanna should get the Ferrari she writes about wanting in the last poem, but I think I'd enjoy reading it if it were on my coffee table every day. 

The Prince and the Dressmaker

By Jen Wang

What it's about: Prince Sebastian enjoys dressing up in wigs, makeup, and glorious dresses. Unsurprisingly, that doesn't go over well in a conservative Victorian-esc family that wants nothing more than for the prince to get married and become a great king. 

Why I liked it: This graphic novel is almost definitely written to send the message "it's okay for boys to wear dresses" and at a casual glance, it seems pretty simple. As an adult reading a children's book, I'm equipped to think more critically than the target audience, and that got me thinking more and more about gender representation and why it matters. The key theme in this book is that a parent's love means more than any amount of cultural acceptance. Regardless of where your opinion falls on the gender debate, this book reminds you that you don't have to approve of someone's actions in order to love them. 

How To Be a Movie Star

By T.J. Klune

What it's about: Josiah Erickson wants to be a movie star. When he meets a really cute book author and discovers that the man is about to make a film, Josie wants in. With a cast of crazy characters and the ridiculous scene of a surrealist movie set, an adorable gay romance blossoms.

Why I liked it: This one is totally a guilty pleasure for me. If you don't like romance, gay romance, marijuana use, coarse language, and awkward phone calls to internet companies, don't read this book. However, if all that is fine, you'll be swept away by Klune's compelling writing style and sensitivity as he creates a truly funny rom-com that isn't full of cringe humor. Klune is an absolute master of writing romance without making it sexual, and I think this one would be just as good if it were hetero as well. Klune is just good at his craft. I wish this one were more family-friendly, but it's really charming despite that. 

Primer

By Jennifer Muro

What it's about: Ashley is attempting to find the right foster home while her father makes his way through jail time for homicide when she discovers a cool new superpower. By putting enhanced paints on her body, she can become a superhero. 

Why I liked it: Like the other graphic novels I've loved, this one has absolutely delightful illustrations. I loved every page of this book. Art alone doesn't get a book to a 5-star rating though--I need well-built characters, and this book delivers her also. Ashley has a unique and upbeat character that makes you just want to be her friend, although you'd expect to get into trouble more than a little bit if you hung out with her much. Her friends and family are similarly well-designed, and each scene is powerful and endearing. 

See You in the Cosmos

By Jack Cheng

What it's about: Alex is heading to a rocket convention to send his homemade rocket to outer space. His goal is to follow in the footsteps of his hero Carl Sagan by recording all sorts of things on to a Golden iPod so that life out there will know what it's really like down here. The story takes on some unexpected twists when Alex discovers that his dad might still be alive and his mom has a mental illness. Alex sets out on a quest to make things right, because if he tries hard enough and believes with all his might, anything is possible... right?

Why I liked it: First of all, make sure you get the audiobook version. Although the story is good, it's written as transcripts of Alex's recordings, and the detailed effects and cast of characters really help this book come to life. The print version is good too, though. I loved how detailed Alex's character is. Although he is very mature in some ways, he's still just a child, and it was really endearing to see him grow throughout the story. He learns so much, and I felt like I was growing right alongside him. 

Erik vs. Everything

Christina Uss

What it's about: Erik is afraid of a lot of things. He tried to make a list once, but it's just too long, so he's satisfied to say he's afraid of everything. His family, however, doesn't seem to understand what fear is, and when his sister formulates a battle plan to attack and defeat fear itself, Erik is characteristically afraid. 

Why I liked it: I've found a lot of books this year that deal with hard topics. This one is pretty straightforward in that it deals with anxiety. Children often have trouble understanding and regulating their emotions, but typically by age 10, they can grasp things and get their feelings under control. This is not usually true of children with clinical anxiety, but that doesn't mean the situation is hopeless. Erik vs. Everything offers a comical background with real world tips for how to deal with anxiety as well as how to be supportive around those who struggle with the illness. Although this book technically doesn't come out until next summer, it's worth waiting for.

The Night Circus

By Erin Morgenstern

What it's about: The Night Circus is sometimes surreal and sometimes grindingly concrete, but always majestic. It's written in an elegant Victorian style and follows the lives of two young magicians who are cursed to battle each other until a winner is declared. Their competition results in the Night Circus, a glorious spectacle that seems too good to be true. 

Why I liked it: It's not often that you come across a book that allows you to simply lose yourself in the wording. This was like a 391-page poem. Morgenstern introduces characters and plot twists with the grace of her star contortionist and spins brilliant fantasies in just a few sentences. I hated to put this book down. Morgenstern is a truly promising author, and I can't wait to read more of her books. 

Fun fact: the first drafts of this novel were written as part of NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month) between 2005 and 2008.

If you were counting, you might have discovered that there are only 19 books listed here. I'm not trying to cheat you, I just got tired of typing. For more recommendations and to keep up with my current reading list, feel free to follow me on goodreads. Reviews posted weekly.

I'll be moving to a newer, prettier blog soon, so keep an eye out for updates. Thanks. 

Trouble, why did you pick up the book, My Conversations with Canadians by Lee Maracle? 

Those of you who know me have heard that I lived in Canada for a time, specifically Quebec. I was an undergraduate student at the time trying to finish up a French degree, but I was looking forward to learning something about the world that I hadn't known before. As a child, I had been aware of Canada's existence and location. I even knew how to spell Saskatchewan (wait, did I really get that right on the first try? As they say in Canada, easy to draw, hard to spell: Saskatchewan). Going to Canada was something like what I expected and somewhat not. One item that was briefly mentioned in my art and culture of Canada class was the situation surrounding First Nations people of Canada. My class studied this topic one night over a 2-hour class period, and then promptly forgot about it. 

Imagine my surprise when I opened the audiobook mentioned above, and I discovered that it was written by a woman of the Sto:lo nation who has a few things to say to Canadians about the difficulties that have been forced upon her, her nation, and other tribes throughout the Americas. I imagined the book would have something to do with Canadians; I wasn't expecting to be placed in an immersive artistic and passionate retelling of the injustices that blanket the globe, but particularly apply to the First people of what is now North America. 

The book is written in 13 parts, some over an hour long, and some just five minutes. Each piece is directed at a misunderstanding that Maracle has found herself addressing over and over again as a speaker, author and artist. I've seen people asking just how much protesting and awareness-raising there has to be. Obviously as much as it takes until these injustices are corrected. As I write this, there are still protests across the United States spurred by racially-fueled police violence. In many ways, it's discouraging to see the same sorts of racial injustices perpetrated by the "nicest colonizers" in Canada.

Maracle's voice joins many others in an attempt to alert others that things are not okay. While her message itself is not unique, her voice is powerful in its poetic and personable elegance that stands tall on a backbone of ownership. Lee Maracle is not taking this lying down. 

Will Rogers once said that everyone is ignorant, just in different subjects. Debby Irving has said that you don't know how much you don't know. I say that we can't afford to continue being ignorant about the human rights that continue to be at times unknowingly stolen from people. People whose only difference from me is the color of their skin. People who want to preserve their culture and traditions. People who have had everything stolen from them and are still fighting to get it back hundreds of years later. 

The long story short is that this book is going on my list of "art" books because it moves me. Maracle's words bring me to the brilliant highs of culture and power and hope as well as the lows of confusion, helplessness and loss. Although the message calling for awareness and understanding is not new, the avenue of semi-poetic prose stands out as one of the more remarkable pieces on human rights that I've experienced so far. Maracle isn't pushy, but she is determined and passionate. Her assertations are clear and powerful. Her way of smoothly including her own perspective isn't so much an argument as an unshakable truth. I would love to see this book in the hands of Canadians and Americans and anyone else who wants or needs to know what respect for human life and culture looks like. 

Glass of Water

So, let's talk about women. Women are smaller than men. Women are curvier than men. Women are more emotional than men. Women are weaker than men. Women like children more than men do. Women are better at multitasking. Women are worse at math. Women are silly, sassy, sexy, bubbly, pretty, soft, sweet, feisty, frigid, frumpy, frivolous, vain, temperamental, passive...

Like many stereotypes, the illusion of feminine runs deep, and it's difficult at times to take a step back and look at what character traits are intrinsically female and which are merely human. Despite a pretty extensive array of ways in which women's rights have been pioneered in the last few centuries, the stereotype remains and still distinctly classes men and women as different species.

I'm not a sociologist, and while I definitely have speculations and thoughts on the subject, I think the more valuable thing I have to offer is my own experience here.

See, as a human being born with a female body, I experience an annoying amount of dysphoria. That is to say, I'm not comfortable with my own body. And I know you might be like, no, that's just a thing that women do, but hear me out. I don't mean the cosmetic things about being a woman, being too fat or not having the right texture of hair, but the deep, intrinsic items that define me as a woman.

I recall one particular instance of lying in a bathtub crying while looking at my chest and thinking that life would be better if my breasts had never developed. I've tried to claim that everything was fine before puberty. I had nothing against being a girl; but becoming a woman was something that I never wanted and am still a bit resentful of. I recognize now that part of this is because of my asexuality and the consequent uselessness of my reproductive system, as well as the inconvenience of having to care for my baby-making parts despite having never needed or wanted them. I still wish I could just get them removed, even though it's been years since puberty.

What is a woman anyway? In the broadest definition, a woman is merely a member of homo sapiens sapiens who happens to be female. If you draw up a mental picture of a woman, though, chances are you'll get something like what google shows you if you type in an image search; long hair, attractive smile, makeup, lingerie, fashionable clothing, doe-like expression, kissing, sunsets... And then the stories they come with: celebrity status, sex, rape, women's rights, wealth, kidnappings, Wonder Woman, abuse, dating tips, mail order brides, weight, bodies, chests, attractive, swimsuits, beaches.

Does Google know what a woman is? I wonder if anyone can really define it beyond the mere facts of male vs female.

But back to me (because, again, I could offer social commentary, but I hope you'll do some thinking yourself and I'm not an expert, just a researcher).

I don't mind being a girl. Girls are okay. Not great, but not terrible, just like boys. And I suppose if I could have stayed a girl, things might be different, but it wouldn't change the comments that I've gotten all my life.
"You're so pretty"
"You should be a model, you're so tall and thin"
"Why don't you let your brother lift that?"
"Wow, you're actually shorter than me"
"I wish I could be bubbly and cute like you"
"mmm, dat ass"
"Really, you're going to cry over that?"
"You be the dad"
"Your boobs are really big"
"Why don't you wear more dresses?"
"Ladies don't talk like that"
"Like you need heels to be taller"

So, guys, what I'm getting here is that I can't be a woman because I'm tall and strong and thoughtful and practical. But I have to be a woman because I like glitter and stickers and I'm sometimes afraid.

UG! WTF, society! What does it even mean to be a woman? Why do I have to fit into some sort of box? I'm tired of it. I just want to be human. I want to be exactly who I enjoy being without that niggling fear that I'm somehow betraying my gender. You'd never know it to look at me, but I hesitate. I hesitate when I wink and blow a kiss. I hesitate when I offer my strong arms to help you up. I hesitate when I think I might cry. I hesitate when I have to decide once more what the appropriate response is to "wow, you're tall."

I don't want to be valued as a woman, exactly. I want to be valued as a person. I have some traits that are typically feminine. I also have some traits that are typically masculine. But that's okay, you guys. I just wanted to let you know why I don't like being called "she" so very much. It feels constricting. I'm certainly not "he" either, but whatever you imagine I am because I'm a woman is stomped on and crushed as soon as you say "but, I wasn't expecting that." So, stop expecting me to be that at all. I don't need to live my life to prove you right or wrong, and I'm tired of hearing about it.

How To They/Them

 I think it's high time I had out with it. I identify as mostly female. This probably will not surprise anyone who knows me irl, but I think it had to be said. Female is, of course, many things, but can involve she/her pronouns. I think that I am not alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with these pronouns from time to time, but we can get into that later. 

I'm not actually here to have a big coming out story. See, I've just finished this book, How To They/Them: A Visual Guide to Nonbinary Pronouns and the World of Gender Fluidity by Stuart Getty. I've already written a short review of the book, so feel free to check that out in the comments section. If this is the sort of thing you like, then please do read it. Okay, Sirah, then what are you here for? Okay, okay. Even though I'm not particularly unclear about where I fall on the so-called gender binary, I've been thinking about femininity lately. 

Basically, I want to know where we get this idea of gender in the first place. Why is everyone automatically either masculine or feminine? I get that based on reproductive function, there is some sort of classification, but if my studies of genetics and external characteristics have anything to say, these two categories aren't exclusive either. But sex and gender don't necessarily have to do with each other. 

Definition: sex being having biological indicators of male, female or something else

Definition: gender being actions, feelings or tendencies that are more typical of either masculine or feminine. 

I've just gotta say, there isn't a really compelling reason why sex and gender should be assumed to match with one another. My experience leads me to believe that most female people have more typically feminine tendencies, but this is not a rule, and shouldn't be treated as one.

I actually don't have much more to say here. I just want to pose the question; what if gender is actually all fake? What if there are good things about being masculine, good things about being feminine, good things about being both, and good things about being neither? 

Another one about suffering, but also about death

It's an age-old question that many have asked, "if God is so good and powerful, why is there evil and suffering in the world?" I've asked this question; friends have asked this question; author and pastor Christian M.M. Brady has also asked this question. If you have a better answer to this than I have, you might just be either a genius or a lot less sensitive than you should be. 

Arguments range from the concept that suffering occurs because of free will and the consequences of sin all the way to the concept of a micro-managing god who somehow can't find a better way of inspiring people to do good than to slaughter their children. Brady, who has gone through the devastating suffering of losing a young child, doesn't offer the classic pat answers, and I find that refreshing. He admits that he doesn't know. This book is more focused on how to live with suffering and loss than on explaining why it happens. Realistically, while the reasons for suffering remain an interesting thought exercise, we really can't know why every bad thing happens. Instead, we can do as Gandalf recommends and decide what to do with the time we are given. 

I personally do not have any children. It's sort of my dream to be an aunt, but that's not the same thing. I cannot really imagine therefore, what it's like to lose a child. (I kind of hate that phrase, "lose a child" because it sort of implies that they're not really gone, just misplaced, which is kind of a sad joke). But anyway, as I read Brady's book, my thoughts turned toward my aunt and uncle whose young daughter passed away several years ago after a sudden infliction of brain cancer. To this day, they carry that grief around with them everywhere. I think that like most people, I sometimes get a little impatient with this grieving. I wish they could move on and go back to being happy and fun to be with all the time.I wish it could get better.

I wonder if grief is like chronic illness. I'm sure that I'll inevitably have the chance to compare the two since I know and love many people and one of them is sure to die eventually. My chronic illness is always hanging over my head reminding me of what once was and can never be again and I'm always finding it popping up in conversations that have nothing in particular to do with it. Like right now. While the two are certainly not the same, there is grief in dealing with loss of good health that finds a sharper tone in the grief of death.

As much as I joke about it, there is also a very real grief from the mere absence of a person in your life even if they haven't actually died. Basically, we have a lot of things to grieve about in life. And you know what? It's okay to grieve. Grieve for the loss of a friendship. Grieve for the loss of a lover. Grieve for the loss of an animal, a place, anything you may not see again or experience with the same joy and freedom. And it's okay to grieve however you think is necessary. There isn't really a wrong way to grieve. 

Obviously, the death of a child or really any loved one is one of the more devastating events in life. Grief comes from many sources, but ultimately, the question we need to ask in the face of suffering is not so much about why we must face it as what we do with it. Brady has some suggestions, which include looking toward eternity, offering comfort in the here and now, taking practical step to help mitigate the suffering of those around you and finding positive ways to remember the life and joy of those who are gone. 

Diction: Baby

When did humans start using the word "baby" as a term of endearment for a significant other? Just, how?

I look at a baby, and there are a lot of likable things about it, but babies are pretty much the last thing on my list of things with which to have a romantic relationship--and that list includes paintings and potted plants. Er, scratch that, there are some things that just shouldn't be on that list, and babies are one of them.

Please, love babies. Do not consider them as romantic or sexual partners. Do Not.

I asked the children what they thought of this. We listen to a lot of annoying pop songs on the radio, and I had noticed that "baby" still hasn't died out as a common hook in a song. So, I asked the children what they thought about this. The 7 year old replied that you should love your boyfriend or girlfriend as much as you love a baby, but she agreed that you don't love them in the same way. The other children didn't say much, preferring to ignore the question.

Now, on the one hand, calling a partner "baby" does signal something warm and gentle, as well as a desire to protect. This would be lovely if that were how the term were used. But consider the derivative "babe" which generally implies a voluptuous, scantily clad woman. Not someone soft and quiet and helpless.

Is this a ploy to infantalize people? To make our partners feel helpless and wimpy? Reportedly the term goes back to the 17th century at least, at which point women were very much considered inferior in many ways to men. Well, that's not okay with me.

So, what to do? I don't suppose I can convince the world to stop using the word "baby" as a romantic term, but I wish I could. I personally refuse to be called "baby" by anyone.

I was delighted to discover a EDM band that considered this and gave me back some of my pride as a human by using the word "lady" where other songs might use "baby." Obviously this would sound silly in Justin Bieber's song "baby." The word "lady" is much more formal and impersonal. But you know, words matter, and given the choice, I'd rather take the term that grants me respect and graciousness rather than one that implies that I'm a helpless sexual object.

Chronic Illness

What is Chronic Illness? 

Chronic illness is effectively always being sick. I'm sure there are cleverer definitions, but that's what it is to me. And since I'm writing this blog, I get to decide how to interpret my own answers. So there. I've been ill for about 10 years now. It wasn't so bad at first, but it has gotten worse, and now it is Noticeable.

Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but for me, my illness went like this:
1. I'm not feeling so good sometimes
2. I'm feeling downright crummy sometimes
3. I'm feeling terrible more times than not
4. I'm feeling terrible a lot of the time.
5. I rarely feel good.

Today happens to be a good day. I'm in pain, sure, but I'm not depressed and I'm able to function mostly like a healthy human being. I can get out of bed, I can eat food. I can listen to sounds. I can workout at the gym. I can play with the children. I can do work. I can socialize.

Yesterday happened to be a bad day. I barely got out of bed. I lied to everyone who asked me how I was doing. I finished my day by crawling from the couch to the bed and spending 9 hours tossing and turning while I tried not to cry or throw up. I admit that yesterday was the first time that I was in so much pain that I reacted by puking. I'd kind of like that to not happen again, but I don't know that I can do much about it.

What's it like having a chronic illness?

Again, not to speak for everyone, but in my experience, dealing with the pain isn't actually the hardest part of having a chronic illness. Human bodies and brains are amazingly resilient. You stub your toe, and your nervous system goes YIKES! but then your brain says, no, it's okay, we can still walk. On with the football game! I'm in pain like 98% of the time, but I honestly sometimes sort of forget that I'm in pain because my psyche is like, dude, we have other things to think about. Like, I go to yoga class, and the instructor asks us to do a down dog, and I have to stop and think about it, hmm, are my wrists feeling good enough to support half my body weight right now? Nope. Rarely. But the pain isn't constantly pressing me down. It could certainly be worse, and I know that some people do deal with constant noticeable pain, but it remains incredible how much pain human beings are capable of dealing with once we realize we can't do anything about it.

No, the hard parts of chronic illness are things like waking up in the morning and counting your spoons (aka, emotional energy), and realizing you'll never be able to get everything done because you just don't have it in you today. Things like meeting someone new and trying really hard to find things to say that don't have anything to do with illness, even though it's a huge part of what you think about most of the time, but you don't want them to immediately think of you as a sick person. It's things like being afraid to make appointments because you don't know if you'll be feeling up to it that day and you hate feeling like a flake. It's things like people asking how you are, and secretly knowing that you'll never be able to honestly say "good," but you kind of have to because there's no point in getting into the whole story in passing. It's knowing that you might never get better, no matter how many good wishes are sent your way. It's when people eventually stop sending flowers and cards because "get well soon" doesn't stand up against the permanence of the illness. It's the loneliness. It's the depression. It's the helplessness. 

What can you do to help?

Well, you can care.

Shrieking History

I was going to start with something nostalgic about my blog's 3 year anniversary, but that's both sappy and inaccurate, so I'll say instead that a lot has changed over the last 3 years. One thing that hasn't changed is that I'm still lonely.

Oh, girl, you're going to start with that?

I'm just going to post these here and you can decide for yourself:

I don't mean that anyone should feel sorry for me. Lord knows I already feel sorry enough for myself, and that's a dumb place to sit in. I've been glancing over my history and all that nonsense and it's cuttingly obvious that I crave close friendships and have for most of my life. My therapist keeps bringing it up as if it were some sort of amazing revelation, but I know that I'm alone. And I know that it's not good for me.

Sometimes something happens, and you're like, yes, I belong here and this is right and even though I had 6 panic attacks and got into 3 car accidents before I was able to bring myself here, I'm so relieved that it was the right thing to do. And then you go home feeling happy and all that. But the next day you come back and you find the door shut. You can never get back again. It gets to the point where you don't want to go anywhere at all. You don't want to try to belong. You can't bring yourself to want to be wanted because even though you know it's what you need, you can't bear to lose and lose and lose again. Kate DiCamillo tells us that the heart lives by breaking. That's what a heart does. But the more you break, the more you wonder if anyone ever breaks for you?


Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's not how hearts are created. Sora might be able to go around filling his heart with bits of other's, but despite all the broken pieces out there, it seems like nothing ever fits in me. We scatter and we dream and we stand waiting, but sometimes, nothing happens. We simply stay there in the cold wondering where are the pieces that are meant to fit in to make us whole.

Friends, I might be wrong, but I'm pretty convinced that people weren't meant to live alone. People weren't meant to live believing that they are worthless and unnecessary. People shouldn't have to just do things for attention or live on the edges or watch ships in the night pass them by. Movies and books and video games are filled with heart-wrenching stories of a crazy coincidence that brings together companions, lovers, and friends. But it turns out that the reason these stories are so compelling is that each of us wants that closeness with someone. Each of us wants to be loved and respected and wanted. But in the whole wide world, the chances of running into the someone whose broken pieces fit perfectly with your own are incredibly small. 

So we throw ourselves against the walls. We smash shards of hearts into our chests believing that close enough is good enough and that as long as we can ignore the bleeding, the wholeness will eventually come. 

Friends, I'm not just a bunch of letters on an internet page. I'm a person. I'm a cosmic being full of hopes, dreams, sorrows, pains and stories. I want to know and be known. This isn't a cry for help. But if you find yourself in the same sort of place, which we all do at some time or another, don't let's each be lonely separately. I'm not that hard to find. 

Much Love Always,

♥

   

Remarkable Literature

It's rather remarkable that one can read hundreds of pieces of good literature and be unable to find the words to say why they are good. But then one reads a bit of bad writing, and suddenly it becomes clear. Good literature is not this. I admit, therefore, that I have been reading A Song of Ice and Fire. It is not my intention in any way to come across as a hater, so I won't review said book here. However, it may be worth note that of the points I bring up in the following paragraphs, few if any apply positively toward that particular book.

What makes a good piece of fiction? I suppose there are many views on this. In my opinion, there are 2 overarching themes to what comprises a good book; namely the quality of individual elements and the way the book makes one feel. I'll break down the elements later on, but I think that feeling is more important in the making of a good book than any one element. A good book makes one feel something. If you walk away and forget the book, chances are it wasn't good. I have dozens of books on my "read" list that I glance at the covers and wonder what that book was about anyway. There is not much likelihood that any of them would qualify for "good books" on my list. This, naturally varies from person to person, and in fact, 10 years ago I reviewed a certain series as good which I can now pick apart and say it is a dramatic failure as a good book. The bottom line is that if a book does not inspire some sort of emotion, all the words are basically wasted. Sure, there may be facts and quotes and all sorts of technical goodnesses, but if feeling is key, anything that obscures it makes the book worse.

A Song of Ice and Fire does, in fact, inspire a lot of feeling. One point in its favor. But there is a strong difference in the feeling of, for example, the Girl Who Drank the Moon, Love That Dog, The Magician's Elephant, or Anna Karenina. These books all inspire strong feeling in me. It isn't always positive feeling (see me sitting on a bench at the blood donation center bawling my eyes out to Love That Dog or gasping in pain as I literally commit suicide with Anna), but there is a sense that they are wholesome. They are real. They are true. And although they aren't always pleasant, there is a sense of nobility, understanding, and overarching honesty to them that makes me feel more human.

Compare this to the feelings I get from Fire and Ice: despair, loss, confusion, a sense that no matter how much good is in the world, those who are powerful can follow their selfish and lustful whims without consequence. This book makes me feel depressed. While there is certainly a lot that is depressing in the world, I have reason to believe that good can triumph over evil, and that selfishness and lust are not the only controlling forces in this world. But, as I've said before, if that's the sort of thing you like, then feel free to like it.

Anyway, everyone feels differently, and that's fine. While I think that Ice and Fire will always be popular, I'll never get on the bandwagon with the series. I'm also pretty sure it will never make it to the shelf of "great classical literature." This is primarily because it doesn't score well on the elements of good writing: characters, plot, writing style, pacing, dialogue, believability, imagination, value and themes.

Now, I am going to say right away that personally I have loved many a book that scores a fat zero in all categories except characters, but I still call it a good book. This is because people matter. A book can hardly be good if there's no connection, no understanding, no revelation. In fact, one of my favorite examples of characters is We Have Always Lived in a Castle, a classic gothic horror. This book meanders on for a long time in a confused, inexplicable mayhem, but suddenly, at the end, you realize who you've been dealing with, and it's like a clap of thunder. I can't say I love the book. It is sinister. But I consider it good because after all that time, I could connect with the characters, and that made it believable. There are a lot of other things going on in that novel that I don't have time to address here, but I have to say that believable, likable or at least interesting characters are the hallmark of good literature. No novel can truly be good if it lacks at least one good character.

Next we can discuss plot. I honestly don't have much to say on this topic because in my opinion every plot that has ever been imagined has, in fact, been written about somewhere, and there is very little likelihood that anything can happen in a book that will surprise me. This is what happens when you've literally read thousands of books. What makes a plot interesting is not so much whether it has a beginning, climax and resolution, although those items are important, but how the author writes about these items. Hence the next two elements.

Pacing and writing style are separate entities, but I'll treat them here together because I have much the same thing to say of each. Writing style, voice, tone, syntax and related items factor greatly into pacing in any case, because if one writes in a comical tone with medium pacing, it loses a lot of its effect. If one is factual and long-winded, it makes for a very heartless read. While I do have some favorite styles of writing personally, both pacing and writing style are contingent on content, and while one can have brilliant style, it falls flat if it's a poor match with the characters, plot and general writing.

Dialogue is sort of a sub-category of both writing style and characters. Good dialogue is interesting, believable and helps advance either plot or character development. While some critical background is helpful at times, it's easy to lose interest in a story if none of the dialogue makes sense for the person who is saying it.

IDK, I could go on. I feel like I've touched on believability. Books have got to be captivating, and there has to be something tangible in there to make them so. Imagination would seem to be an opposite of that, but they actually play together well, balancing each other to stretch the limits of what should be possible.

I'm not sure what to say about value and themes that I haven't said about feelings already. But basically, if a book makes me feel like garbage for reading it, it doesn't matter what else it has done right.

So, anyway, that's my 2 cents or whatever. Sorry I'm finishing this so lamely, but I've got a lot of Don Quixote to finish before I have to return it to the library on Tuesday, so I'll talk to youse later.

2019 Book Review

Well, friends, I haven't become an influencer yet, but I don't suppose that matters when I merely want to share my opinions. I guess I do a lot of things, but I don't think I'm very good at most of them. One thing I excel at is reading books. I had set a goal to read 120 books (each at least 30 minutes long) in 2019, and I'm rather proud of myself for exceeding that goal. I can't really pick a favorite, so I shall simply list the titles in reverse order of reading. For the upcoming year, I'm working toward 160 books, and I must say I'm off to a great start. Anyway, without further ado, here are my top book recommendations out of books I read in 2019.



Chernobyl 01:23:40: The Incredible True Story of the World's Worst Nuclear Disaster
Andrew Leatherbarrow

This book is precisely what the title would indicate. Unlike many of the stories I've glimpsed on the subject of nuclear disaster, however, this non-fiction work is very clearly an extended research paper. It shed a lot of light into something I might never have thought about otherwise, and I'm glad my ebooks library recommended it to me.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle
Shirley Jackson

Part of my Halloween reading challenge, I discovered this old classic. As far as horror genre books go, this one is not at all graphic or tense, but it is disturbing. I enjoyed the unique look into the mind of what must be insanity, but then also must not be. I'll be thinking of this book long after October.

Jaclyn Hyde
Annabeth Bondor-Stone

A surprisingly moving take on the classic Jekyll and Hide theme, this book was best appreciated after I read the old classic. Basically there were a lot of inside jokes that had made me glad to have read the classic. Going back to Bondor-Stone's rendition, however, I can't say it was terribly complicated, but it was certainly thought-provoking and had a few smiles along the way.

A Possibility of Whales
Karen Rivers

According to the author, this novel is meant to be a modern take on "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume. While I can't say I enjoyed Blume's description of coming to age, Rivers takes a variety of complex themes and weaves them into something rather poetic. Although menstruation certainly comes up, it is treated with dignity and understanding, which is something that is unfortunately lacking in so many young adult novels.

Solving for M
Jennifer Swender

Middle school can be a puzzling time for young people. Mika faces a lot of stressful things in her life, not the least of which is math class. With care and cleverness, Jennifer Swender navigates through a sincerely engaging tale of family troubles, uncertain classroom situations and amusing teachers and manages to teach some quality math along the way.

Herding Cats
Sarah Andersen

Well, if you are a woman living in today's society, please read this book.

Refugee
Alan Gratz

Well, I never knew much about the refugee crises discussed in this book. While the novel itself is rather biased and is definitely a dramatization, it reflects often-ignored historical facts that I found fascinating to look up later.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Ken Kesey

Sure, this is an adult-themed book, in more ways than one. I can't help but stop to think about this one. How are the mentally ill treated today? We've all read horror stories of old insane asylums, and hopefully we've all been duly disgusted that people could be treated that way. But where is the value for human life? Regardless of how difficult a person is.

The Help
Kathryn Stockett

Well, I don't want my whole list to be full of books about social justice. But while it wouldn't be hard to put The Help into that category, there's so much more to this book than racial discrimination. The book itself is a deep appeal for someone to recognize that there was injustice that was never considered, and discrimination continues to be ignored. The perspective was certainly thought-provoking. It makes sense that this novel made a best-sellers list.

The Count of Monte Cristo
Alexandre Dumas

So, if you don't like long reads full of a variety of interwoven concepts that are hard to follow, find a shorter book. While this one doesn't even make the top 100 longest novels ever written, I feel pretty proud of myself for getting through to the end. Not only is this book full of history and culture, the fascinating characters and intricate plot continue to be lovable and relevant today. I hope this one never gets forgotten.

Sex or Ice Cream?: Secrets of an Asexual; Asexuality in a Sexed Up World--A Thorught-Provoking and Comically Quirky Memoir
Ana Navarro

Why, yes, the title of this one might be longer than the book itself. And, yes, there are spelling and grammar errors, but really, guys, this little novella has a lot of heart and adds a little more understanding into the world of sexual orientation. It's only a dollar on Amazon, and I'm satisfied with every penny I spent on it.

The Search for Delicious
Natalie Babbitt

I'm counting this one for 2019 even though I've definitely read it in other years. Honestly, there aren't that many classy, thoughtful, and lighthearted fairy tales in this world. Naturally, this one comes with a moral, but it is cheeky and fun to read. I love it as a bedtime story and a pleasant escape from all the deep thinking of more mature literature.

The Art of War
Sun Tzu

How to explain why I picked up this slim volume? Wow, it's just worth the read. Looking at Tzu's advice, I kind of want to smack my head, like, duh, but how easy it is to lose track of basic logic in the business of life. I'd read it again. And probably again because I fell asleep after the first paragraph :)

Summer Bird Blue
Akemi Dawn Bowman

Okay, I lied, I saved the best for last. If this one doesn't make it to the top of everyone's favorites list, you have no heart. Summer Bird Blue is unlike any book I've ever read. It reaches almost Tolstoy level of empathy. The main character, Rumi, goes through so much in this book, and you, the reader, go right along with her, trying to cry, learning to play the ukelele, lying on the floor staring at the ceiling fan, and screaming obscenities into the dark. I've read a lot of books this year, but this one is very much on the top of my list to purchase and read every year and foist upon others. So, yeah, if you don't read any other book on this list, please love this one.



Reading Challenges

I don't know if you're into reading challenges, but if you're the sort of person who likes this sort of thing, then this is the sort of thing you'll like. I don't do reading challenges every month, but I have a few that are dear to my heart, so I'll post them here in case you want to join me :) Many of them are set up as bingos, but you can also play for points in general, since many books fulfill more than one challenge, or you can just use the lists for inspiration.



Also, please appreciate the one that started it all: https://utopia-state-of-mind.com/a-spec-readathon-reading-list/?fbclid=IwAR0EDjQ6mOCp2OMpZoi6RryabVjOuhm-2v-xeJGMLA0_Oh7L0hFkpkPPAM4


and if you'd like, you can follow my progress in 2020 on my Goodreads page 2020 Reading Challenge

Diction: Want versus Need

While searching for the perfect ingredients for a poisoned apple beverage, I informed a shopkeeper that I needed a candy apple. The man replied, "are you sure you need it, or do you just want it?" I'm sure I had to come up with a silly comeback because that is a silly question.

I understand that we teach children this distinction because they tend to exaggerate their desire for a new toy or snack or whatever fancy takes root in their brains at the time. Need is a strong term, but I think that it's foolish to continue questioning need versus want for one simple reason.

Need implies a condition. I need X in order to X. Technically speaking, no one ever needs anything. You might need food, but only in order to survive. If you don't care to survive, eating is no longer a necessity. You might need a raise, but only in order to avoid going broke. If you don't care whether you're homeless and in debt, getting a raise no longer becomes a need.

Need becomes confused with want when the result is something awkward or unecessary. For example, I need to eat a piece of candy so I can enjoy its flavor. I need to see a new movie in order to be able to talk about it with my friends. I need a candy apple in order to make the perfect poisoned apple beverage. Need, therefore, is not about how badly you want the thing you reportedly need, but how important and specific the result is. When a child needs a new toy, they might mean they don't think they can be happy without it. But as an adult, I can look at the situation from a different perspective and note that happiness is entirely possible without the new toy. A "need" for a new toy in order to be happy is not specific (happiness can be achieved in other ways) or important (it's okay to not be happy sometimes). 

Truly, I don't need to concoct the perfect poisoned apple beverage. The result of concocting said beverage is that I will feel slightly more accomplished and will have enjoyed my time with friends at the Halloween party just a little more. But I don't need any of those things. Accomplishment and enjoyment are not necessary to my being. However, if the results clause is "in order to create this beverage" as an end in itself, then, yes, I need a candied apple, because it is impossible to make the drink without one.

Anyway, kiddos, the point is that it's okay to need things. People question your motives and objectives, but if, in order to achieve a desired outcome, you need a certain thing, then it is perfectly appropriate to use that word. Saying, "I want a candied apple" would have been untrue in the above circumstance, because I don't, in fact, like candied apples. Saying you want something makes the thing an end in itself. You don't want something in order to accomplish something else. Want is intransitive.

This distinction between wants and needs is not framed properly when we say, "you need food, but you don't need a new toy." It is equally true that you might want food and want a new toy. However, there is an implied results clause in each. It would be more true to say, "you need food to be comfortable, but you don't need a new toy to be comfortable."

Au Revoir Vacation

There are two common ways of discussing illness. In general, one is either suffering from it or fighting it.

Suffering, undergoing, aching, agonizing, braving, bearing, languishing. Battling, fighting, challenging, resisting, grappling, wrangling, wrestling. Yeah, I just pulled out my thesaurus, but it isn't any less true.

It's funny because when someone has an acute illness, there are things to do. If you get a cold, for example, everyone has a bit of advice. Drink more water (apparently, this cures everything). Rest as much as possible. Take some vitamins. Take a long hot shower. Use this or that device. I suppose these things must be effective to an extent, but the real battle, the one between the invading pathogens and your home cells, is one that you have very little control over. Sure, there are things you can do to aid your immune system. The biggest thing you can do is just to wait.

Waiting to get better is a trial. I wonder if the term, "suffering from an illness" comes from the business of being uncomfortable while your body doesn't function optimally or from the agony of waiting while knowing you can't do anything. Certainly there are illnesses where one does suffer with a physical intensity that is apt for the term, but "suffering" implies a level of anguish that the common cold generally doesn't bring.

It probably sounds like I've come here to rant about diction like I may or may not have done in the past. Words matter, folks. Whether you were teased or assaulted matters. Whether you lost or were defeated matters. Whether you were annoyed or were pestered matters. But today I really just want to explain that neither suffering nor fighting are really great words for chronic illness.

If you weren't already aware, I have chronic nerve pain. Not sure where it came from, but it's here. I have reason to believe that I had clinical depression before the first symptoms of a dysfunctional nervous system ever came into play, but the two certainly don't work together to make me feel better. As I write this, I'm in the process of switching from a tricylic antidepressant to an SSRI, and it's a bit of a difficult journey. I finally feel like I have the right to complain about antidepressants online because I've now tried three of them, and I'm no closer to feeling better. But anyone who has taken a similar journey knows that it's common for antidepressants to take time, so you just kind of deal with it.

In this process, I've been trying to come up with words for what I'm going through. If you've read the preceding paragraphs (as I suspect most of you have), you will guess that "suffering" and "battling" do not make it onto my list of "helpful words" in this case. See, we like words like "battling" because it gives us a sense of control in an otherwise intangible setting. It makes us feel brave and powerful and hopeful. But it isn't true. Not in a literal sense anyway. Because while you can battle a cold and probably win, chronic illness is here for the long game. Any day that you do everything right still has a chance of being a losing day. Every day that could be described as a victory can easily be followed by insurmountable odds the next morning. Sometimes battles are short, but then there are the times that they stretch on for days and weeks and months with no hope of a reprieve.

That's where the suffering comes in. But we don't like to suffer. We don't like to be in a world where we have no control and pain and difficulty are completely out of our hands. We try to fight, but how do you fight your own body? How do you fight the inevitable? How do you endure the agony of knowing that you'll never get better? If you aren't already clinically depressed, it's going to be easy to become so.

Maybe I do suffer from chronic illness. Maybe I do suffer from depression. Maybe "suffering" is an apt word after all. But if I accept that, then what's the point? I can't get better. I can't take control. I can't do anything at all except be.

A nurse once told me to stop saying, "I am depressed" or "I am ill" but instead say, "I have depression" and "I have a chronic illness." And this difference matters. Like any word choice, this one matters.

But saying that I have depression makes it sound like this condition is an unwelcome birthday gift from Aunt Judy that I might be able to stuff in the back closet and forget about or hand off to someone else. It doesn't speak to the days that I have no energy to get out of bed. When smiling hurts. When caring is impossible. It doesn't speak to the ways that I have grown up with depression and physical pain. About how these things have shaped me, taught me, and helped me become myself.

See, my pain isn't going away. My mental illness isn't going away. And even if it did, I don't really know who I would be. The suffering speaks to the fact that my days are more difficult than they would be if I weren't ill. The fighting speaks to how I strive to live fully every day, even though I won't get better. But I can't bring myself to use those terms to describe myself. I simply am. I am a mixture of joy and sorrow, pain and freedom, grace and awkwardness, certainty and anxiety, and so many other components. I don't know if the mixture is just right, but for one day at a time, I just live. I just am.

I take medication. This is designed to help me function despite how I am. It doesn't change who I am, though. It doesn't make it possible to wait it out, to hope I get better, to look on the bright side, or to reassure me that I'll make it through. There is no other side. This isn't an obstacle I can overcome. It's a hard reality that I live in every day, and that I will continue to live in every day of my life. Other than a miracle or death, there is no known cure. I'll spend the rest of my life dealing with the symptoms. There will be days when it's a fight, and there will be days when I suffer.

There are people in my life who get that, and who aren't offended when I have a panic attack and flake out on our social gatherings. But for those of you who aren't in that group, hey, it's okay, I get it. But just know that even if I'm not "fighting" or if I don't appear to be "suffering," I'm no less of a person. I'm not out on a vacation until I get better. I won't be getting better, but I'm still pretty cool.

How To Make Your Own Vash the Stampede Costume

How To Make Your Own Vash the Stampede Costume

I recently made a pretty sweet Vash the Stampede Costume for my cosplaying, and at the suggestion of a friend, here is my DIY Vash the Stampede Guide.

Crafting cosplay can be tricky since often fine details are difficult to pin down. For example, Vash's coat features many buttons. Depending on which scene, the lighting, whether anime or manga, and a few other factors, the number of buttons on the front panel of his coat varies from as few as 12 to as many as 18. Other details like where the seams are, how many buckles are on his sleeve and boot, how the straps are held on, and a few other details are similarly arbitrary, but eventually I selected one photo and pretty much followed that.

I used red duck canvas to construct the coat. It's rather stiff, which isn't quite right for the costume, but seemed an appropriate coat material. Other Vash the Stampede cosplay creators have used red leather or tough knit fabric, which would also be fine, but duck canvas is cheap. For my costume, I needed 7 yards. If your model is shorter, you may need less, but I usually get extra in case I mess up.

Making a Pattern for Your Vash the Stampede Coat

The basic pattern includes 19 pieces, not including the repeats that are used on the opposite sides of straps. In my above sketch, you can see that I went with 16 buttons on the front. I later changed this because 18 fit better. The total number of buttons came to 45, which is a lot to hand stitch through 6 layers of canvas! To ensure the coat fit well, I traced a T-shirt that I knew fit my model onto sheer fabric and cut and measured that. I had to adjust a little throughout, but the basic pattern is based off a simple t-shirt shape.

In the sketch below, all the pieces are laid out and graphed. Note that the thigh straps are missing, but I used the same pattern as the shoulder straps.


Before cutting out your pattern, ensure that the shoulder to ankle length is appropriate. My model is 52 inches from top of shoulder to ankle, and wears a size medium-small in mens, so the costume is subsequently quite tall and thin. This sketch also does not allow for seam allowances, so you'll have to add an extra inch and a half or so to make sure your resulting coat doesn't end up 2 inches smaller than intended. Feel free to interpret your Vash the Stampede look as needed to achieve the right amount of love and peace for your model.

I kind of cut and measured as I went along, so I don't have a photo of all the cut out pieces. One thing that made it tricky is that the coat is rather baggy, so I ended up having to make the vest portion several inches larger than originally intended. I also remeasured the collar to ensure that it fit comfortably in the head hole once I had sewn the shoulder seams.
 

Sewing Vash's Coat

If you have zero experience sewing, I'll give you the beginner description of how I put this Vash the Stampede coat together, but I'll bold the cut and dry version for anyone who has sewn several garments in their lifetime and has a good idea of what they're doing already.

First step is to cut the vest and sew the points, turn and topstitch from the armpit to the collar on the front, or the armpit to armpit on the back
The back of the vest is all one piece, whereas the front obviously has to be two pieces. I cut 4 front pieces (two for each side) and two back pieces. Sew from the collar down the front and up to the sleeve hole on the front piece, and the sleeve hole to the sleeve hole on the back piece. This leaves the arm holes, shoulders, and collar raw, but you can flip the bottom inside-out to make a nice finish. Press the seams, roll out the points, and topstitch along the seams you just sewed (turn and topstitch).



Second, cut out the 4 body pieces, sew the back together, finish the front body, and attach the vest to the body at the shoulders. 
I cut the body after sewing the vest to ensure the shoulders would be the same width. The back of the body has a slit that comes up to about the knees, so I sewed the two back pieces together starting at the top and sewing until about 16 inches from the bottom (this may vary if your model has shorter legs). I then finished and topstitched that seam. I also hemmed the front of the body along where I would sew the buttons. After finishing the back and front, I made a huge sandwich with the finished front of the vest, the front of the body, the back of the body, and the back of the vest, all with right sides facing between the front and back body. I double-stitched the shoulders and finished those seams. I should have probably topstitched that as well, but I did not because that's a lot of fabric. And we all know that Vash the Stampede disproves of suicide more than anything.



Next, measure the collar and attach to the main body.
The collar I ended up with was 32 inches long (including seam allowance) and 10 inches tall. I first hemmed the edges that would make up the button-up part. Next, I sewed the outside layer onto the collar (another thick sandwich), and turned the inside in, and stitched that on to finish it. Be careful pinning this inside seam because the inside hem ends up being the outside topstitching. I also topstitched the enclosing ends of the collar.



Step 4 was to attach the sleeves.
I believe I hemmed both sleeves first and then attached them to the shoulder hole, but  you can do it either way. It's critical to attach and finish all 4 layers: the sleeve, the body, and the two layers of vest. After the sleeves are attached, sew from the sleeve cuff through the shoulder and down the body until about 18 inches from the bottom to leave room for the side slit.I topstitched along the sides,but not along the sleeves because I don't hate myself. Do the same on both sides.



The coat is mostly formed now! You could probably wear it without looking like a weirdo. Anything that has not already been hemmed or finished should now be hemmed or finished. If you've been following me step by step, you should just have the bottom hem to do. Despite my best efforts, one of my body pieces was a good 3 inches longer than the rest of the coat (how does that even happen?) so I just hemmed all the pieces to be the same length and finished up any raw seams that looked like they needed help.

(photo of bottom hem)

The rest of the pieces were entirely made up of turned and topstitched pieces, which are pretty easy once you get the hang of it, especially if they all have right angle corners like these do.
Make the front piece. Make two shoulder straps. Make one cuff strap (I almost made two of these, but Vash does not have a right sleeve, so don't do that). Make two thigh straps. Make one waist strap. Make two looping straps. These pieces are also all held on with buttons. You can make buttonholes for each of these, but honestly I only made 14 button holes out of 45 buttons because the majority of these buttons never have to come undone. The required buttonholes are as follows: 2 in the collar, 8 on the front panel, one on each end of the waist strap, and one on one end of each of the looping waist straps.

Finishing your Trigun Cosplay

Once you've sewn on all the buttons, you should be done with the coat! Next is just the hair, glasses, gun, arm, legs, and boots (yes! that's all!). Once I've had a chance to work on mine and take some photos, I'll either update this post or add a link to another tutorial for you.

I realize that it would have been clever to add pockets so my model could pretend to have a loaded gun in there, but that honestly wouldn't be too hard to add even after the fact. If you do want to add them, you might need another tutorial, but they would fit nicely below the waist strap on either side.

I hope this Vash the Stampede coat tutorial helps you with your next cosplay. Love and Peace!

Para-sailing

There was a time in my life when I was engulfed with missions opportunities, bible studies, christian community, service opportunities, and people willing to invest in my life. This magical time of Christian growth was because of college ministry. I went into college dissatisfied with Christianity and hoping to reinvent myself as agnostic. I came out of college having been baptized, gone on missions trips, participated in street evangelism, taught classes on how to share ones testimony, and leading bible study leader support groups. I started a campus project to reach out to LGBTQ students and helped put together a missions dinner. I personally prayed with more than one person as they decided to turn their life around and pursue Christ, and I mentored several students who weren't sure if they wanted to be Christians anymore. In a way of speaking, I blossomed in this environment. There were rough patches, sure, but never in my life had I ever had access to so much training, experience, and opportunity. And I'm not sure I'll ever have it again.

I graduated, see. I packed up and moved on to the “real world” (though, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that there is no such thing as the “real world” just changes in the delusions we convince ourselves to accept). All of a sudden, I had no roommates, no staff workers, no picnics at the crossroads between my housing and the library, no outreach activities, no pizza and worship nights, no anything.

Well, there was the church.

I found myself in a new city with no friends and no connections other than my job. But I did some research and figured I could do worse than the church 5 blocks from my house.

Honestly, I've been very satisfied with this church as a whole. They have a website (and their service time is posted on there so I can check it every other week when I inevitably can't remember if it's 10 or 10:30) The community is 80% old people, true, but while there's still your classic fare of quilting clubs, book clubs, potlucks, and Sunday school, this church actually does something. They have a food pantry. They go on mission trips. They have outreach programs. They have congregation-wide activities such as the “read through the New Testament in 9 months” plan and the coffee and doughnuts after every service.

As you might imagine, I still feel a little lost though. This isn't new for me. I've moved 13 times in the past 6 years, and during that time, I've attended 14 different churches as a first-time guest. I've attended 9 of these as a second-time guest, and I've been a regular attender for more than 3 months at 5 of them. I would say I have a bit of experience attending new churches.

For those of you into new guest surveys, the things I look for first time in a church do not include how much dust is behind the door of the ladies' room (although, basic cleanliness is of course important, I've never been in a church that I found disgusting due to lack of custodial care). I look to be greeted warmly and given a brief tour of the building. I look for values that agree or contradict with my own beliefs. And I look for food. Food brings people together, folks, and despite the fact that I am now making enough money to stock a few pantries myself, I will always come to a free lunch.

The second visit is just as important as the first, though. I've never stayed at a church who neglected to greet me just as warmly upon the second visit as it did on the first.

So, I attend a church now that meets the above criteria. I attend almost every week... Or every other week… Well, I'm definitely there at least once a month. I've been calling this “my church” for about 4 months now. I feel pretty comfortable here. I'm ready to do something.

Only there's nothing to do.

Hmm. How did this happen? I found a church; I met some people; I signed up for some events and involvement opportunities; but here I am sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon writing about how disappointed I am when I compare my current church with the campus ministry I was a part of not even a year ago.

I don't think it'll do much good to complain. But I'd still like to know what happened.

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe if I attended every single week instead of once a month-- I mean every other week-- I'd be able to connect better. Maybe if I didn't hide in the back row and never introduce myself, I'd know more people. Maybe if I was on the mailing list, I'd know what's going on (where did that envelope go, come to think of it?) Maybe if I volunteered to lead something, there would be something I could be a part of. Maybe.

Church is not campus ministry. Campus ministry is a para-church ministry. They will say in their mission statements that they aren't meant to replace the church, but simply to direct people to Jesus and encourage them to pursue Him after graduation.

But the thing is, I don't want to go to church. I mean, I want to. But I don't want to. I want to be a part of a community of people who share truth and actively love. That's what the church is, right? Except it isn't. There are a lot of things the church is. The church is a community. The church is an institution. The church has programs, activities, services, meals, groups, offices, leadership, kid's services, social events, and singing.

But does the church love? Does the church share truth? Is it a community full of bench warmers and hobby enthusiasts?