You know of course, that I've already written quite a bit on the topic of nothing. Nothing itself is very difficult to quantify because it is the absence of something. But it's a word we use a lot.
Today I am sitting in a classroom watching students create websites. In essence, I am doing nothing. I brought a book, but I left it in my car. Oops. I have nothing to do. I have no cell reception, and no one I want to talk to is available on chat. I didn't expect to be writing, especially since I have other more brilliant blog posts saved on my home computer just waiting for a Friday so I can publish them. But having already spent an hour coloring, I have nothing else to do but write.
I'm reminded of that one class I took 3 years ago in college. It was "Intro to Computer programming" which was the predecessor to "Intro to Web Design." I enjoyed the professor in that class. She was funny. I don't think I ever got less than 100% on any assignment in that class. The prof wrote to me, "Have you ever considered doing this as your major? There is a great need for female programmers." And, honestly, I would have loved to. It never quite worked out though. Maybe I should go back and try again. I should pay off my current school loans first though. Unfortunately, despite my apparent prowess in designing simple games in Visual Basic, nothing ever came of this.
I wonder what these high school students will do with the knowledge they've absorbed by taking part in these projects and lectures. I wonder how many of the girls will become the much needed female programmers my prof was talking about. I wonder how many of them will never use their computer knowledge and will instead go into a less technical job like childcare or substitute teaching. I appreciate the childcare industry, but I can't help wishing I'd found a way into something more respected. I wish I'd found myself in a place where I go to work every day feeling fulfilled instead of laying in bed til noon checking for job postings until I go to daycare and clean up the lunchroom for an hour every day.
I want to work, luv, but instead I do nothing.
Nothing nothing nothing! I'm tired of doing nothing! I've never meant to change the world or anything, but I hate doing nothing.
I don't want to do too much. In my experience, if I do too much, I find myself filled with anxiety because I have no time to plan and once I get overwhelmed by that, I shut down in what looks a lot like severe depression. Depression is not fun. Not that I care about having fun when I'm depressed, but those times when I'm not depressed are so abruptly contrasted with the times that I am that I wonder who I am at the end of the day. I'm not my anxiety and depression, but maybe there is nothing else?
They tell me I'm wonderful and cute and creative and sweet. They tell me I'm talented and reliable and special and lovable. They tell me I deserve better. They tell me to go for it and take that risk and never stop believing. They're silly, though. I'm only a person, after all. Finding Spirit Bear tells me that psychologists would have me control my grief and rage by letting it go and getting it out of my life, but as the wise old Indian tells the main character, grief and rage are a part of me, and I'll never know peace until I can accept them and learn to use them. Inside Out tells me that I need sadness so that I can experience happiness so much more acutely. But what else is there besides anxiety, depression, grief, rage, and sadness?
There are muffins.
Would you like a muffin? I made 8 dozen of them last weekend and have spent $15 sending them to random people on the internet. I like sending things in the mail. Too bad someone thinks my outgoing mailbox is a garbage can and makes it impossible to fit outgoing mail in the box due to an overflow of misplaced junk mail and hate notes from the postman. Or postal worker. I guess we've got to be gender neutral, although I'm guessing the postman is in fact a she. High school students would remind me that I shouldn't assume her gender.
The color test has just indicated to me that I am 90% female, so I suppose you can assume my gender. Don't assume anything else though. There's nothing.
Next is homeroom. This school calls it Extended Learning Time (ELT), which I personally find confusing, but then, having been homeschooled, I find most norms of public high school confusing. I'm a fun substitute teacher though. You should hire me.
Really, get me out of my living room. Because I have spent too many days interneting.
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