Three Simple Syllables (Another Asexual Rant)

Am I a relationship nightmare?

They tell me that men hate commitment but love sex.

What do I want? I want your soul, but you can keep your pants on.

“You know you’ll never get a date if you keep up with this whole ‘asexual’ thing.” Yeah, I know, that’s kinda the point.

It’s strange, though, letting go of the idea that I’ll fall in love, get married, buy a home, have 2.5 kids, raise them, and retire with the man of my dreams. I’m not the first one who has done it, and I won’t be the last, but somewhere it feels like letting go of a piece of my soul every time I say, “no, I don’t really care if I get married or not.”

I don’t think I’m sad about losing this bit of me though. It seems like a superfluous bit. Something that I never asked to be a part of me, but somehow it found its way in there; an expectation that I would eventually get married. Little girls in grandma’s attic, playing dress-up with her old veils and hoop skirts: “aww, what a beautiful bride,” they told me as I clattered down the stairs wearing curtains and lace and shoes too large for a girl of 5. I wanted to be beautiful too. Being beautiful was a good thing then.

I walk past wedding shops and craft stores still and think, “If I ever had a wedding, that would be at the reception.” I try on dresses, but no one tells me “aww;” they just nod knowingly as if a prince might sweep through the doors and carry me off then and there. As if a dress could make me beautiful enough for him to forget that carrying off girls is socially awkward these days.

I stare at myself in the mirror sometimes and think, “damn, that girl is gorgeous. Too bad I’m the only one who has the courage to say so out loud.” Later at the club, though, they whistle at me and call me hot and sexy. Congratulations on coming up with two syllables to sum up my appearance. Somehow, hearing it out loud doesn’t make me feel cherished. It makes me feel exposed and accosted. Too bad I can’t be gorgeous without being sexually objectified.

It’s not that I don’t want to be wanted. I know some people don’t find themselves in need of relationships, but I don’t mind romance. I think it’s stupid, but I still like it. But it’s weird to think that people wouldn’t want me because I don’t want sex. I get it; sex is a big deal, but I’m a lot better at conversation, massages, eating, and cuddling than I am at sex. Can’t you appreciate what I am?

“No one will want you because you won’t have sex. They’ll dump you eventually. You’re not good enough unless you’re willing to have sex.”

No one says it. But it hides in the depths of my brain waiting for my lonely days and my depression to forget how absurd it is. Because it could be true.

“You could just stop. You could just give up on this asexual thing. Why keep labeling yourself if it hurts this much? I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

It’s not about the label. I could have no label, but I still wouldn’t want sex. So I wonder. I think that is my biggest fear (here, exposed in my blog for everyone to see. Classy). I’ve lost friends before because I’ve told them I’m not interested in them romantically. I’ve even lost friends because even though they knew I wasn’t interested in sex, they couldn’t stay “just friends.” Power to you, man, but just because I have a female body doesn’t mean I’m just a potential sexual partner/girlfriend. I’ve lost friends because they’re sexual and I’m not. Could I lose a partner for the same reason?

No. I’m not going to be like that. I’ll tell you right away. I’ll make sure you know. I won’t even start something. I can’t deal with being rejected before you even know me. I’m amazing. I just don’t like sex. If you like sex more than you like me, then let’s not date. I can deal with that. But I also don’t want to be alone. So, now what?

Man-Eating Vegetarians

I already wrote a piece about yoga. Hopefully I’ll publish it before I post this so no one is confused, but I’m going to write this bit anyway.

I found a photo of a clipping from a book today that said, “Beloved, do not take part in any of these components of Satan’s Spiritual Structure! They are doorways to demonic possession.” What followed was a list of classic satanic activities such as Astrology, Wicca, Necromancy, and Marijuana, as well as a few items that might not normally be on such a list. These included cyberpunk culture, vegetarianism, heavy metal, Lord of the Rings, and Twilight films.

Let me start by saying I’m not surprised that these items made it onto the list. If nothing else, I’m surprised Star Wars isn’t on the list as well. There is so much in this world that we have reason to be afraid of. Let’s face it, enough heavy metal can kill a person. Take lead or mercury for example.

Oh, Christians. How is it that the same group of people can contain some of the most caring, grounded, sensible people in the world as well as some of the rudest, most superstitious nuts in modern times? I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to go to face eternal condemnation for failing to share that “like if you love Jesus, ignore for hell” post.

Well, I don’t think you really worry about going to hell for not sharing a facebook post either. Not when you think about it. All those good luck charms? You might have them hanging around just in case, but you know they don’t actually mean much. When you hit the cold floor, all the luck in the world deserts you and means nothing. Then where can you turn? Suddenly the religion you held to for comfort seems less feasible than anything else. Suddenly it doesn’t matter if you follow tribalism, Catholicism, Pastafarianism, Rastafarianism, Judaism, or vegetarianism.

Here we are at the end of all things (gratuitous LOTR quote). Where can we turn? There is evil in this world. There are things that will attack us and steal our hope. What can we hold onto? There is despair and brokenness and evil. But there’s also good, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

See, I’m less afraid of bad luck, demons, or unknown things than I am of what I know exists: depression, illness, heartbreak, loneliness, failure, or poverty. What’s the point of fearing the unknown? There’s enough within the known to be afraid of (according to that one fellow who vanished into the crowd in Beyond the Deepwoods).

As Mme Ba indicates, why should we strive for the impossible; to achieve the possible is already a victory. This isn’t to say there isn’t anything beyond what we can physically see and feel. This isn’t to say we mustn’t have dreams. This isn’t to say we can’t seek comfort when we can’t understand what’s going on. It is to say, though, that we can find hope in the fact that there is One who is greater than demonic possession. Avoiding Yoga and punk culture can never guarantee that we’ll be safe. Why are we so afraid?