So, Someone in my Church has Come Out of the Closet... Now What?
It's all very well when homosexuality and transexuality are terms that belong to people outside the church, but what should you do if someone within the church community declares that this is who they are? Regardless of your personal stance on the identity--or even the biblical view of it, the first thing I would encourage you to do is become a friend, a listener, and an advocate; educate yourself on what the term actually means, and how to avoid rejecting that human being. Recognize that being homosexual is simply a desire. All of us have desires, but not all of us choose to act on them. Realize that desires are valid even if the behaviors they invoke are not.
Becoming an advocate does not mean condoning all behaviors. It simply means that you will stand by this person and love them no matter what. You will not allow this person to be rejected or excluded because they have sinful desires. You will not allow yourself or others to gossip, slander, or exclude this person. It means you will be an active listener as this person struggles to decide how their sexuality will impact the rest of their life. It means gently, honestly, and immediately defending the person when well-meaning strangers ask, "what the heck is that anyway?" It means you will not allow this person to become another casualty in the neverending battle against sinful judgmentalism.
It's natural for you and members of your church to have questions. If you ask questions, phrase them kindly and avoid shaming the person for their answers. It can be helpful to create a safe space for other members of the congregation to ask questions. In the meantime, you yourself can become better educated on the topics that might come up in such discussions. I've included a few basic tips below, but please check out some valuable resources I have linked at the bottom of the page.
Pronouns, Titles, and Ingredient Lists
One of the most confusing things that people outside the LGBTQ+ community face is the plethora of terminology that surrounds it. To start off, I'll explain that whenever I refer to anyone in the Community, I use their terminology as an adjective, for example, "gay man" or "bisexual person." It has become common to use these words as nouns (e.g. "gays are taking over Manhattan!") but this is dehumanizing, and I try to avoid it in my own dialogue. I use the term "LGBTQ+" not because it's easy to say or because I necessarily want to validate every title that exists, but because this is the latest accepted and comprehensive way to represent non-heterosexual, non-cisgender, or non-monogamous orientations. For a more comprehensive list of titles used within the LGBTQ+ community, please refer to this thoughtful article.
Regardless of how much research you do into terminology, realize that the titles that people apply to themselves are primarily for themselves and for their community. If I identify as sex-repulsed, pan-romantic asexual, this ingredient list is primarily for my own journey of self-discovery and to help me find people who can commiserate with my unique situation. Having a list of adjectives does not preclude "special snowflake syndrome." For someone outside the LGBTQ+ community, becoming familiar with the terminology that LGBTQ+ people use can be helpful in having open conversations, but, just as you don't necessarily need to know exactly what type of cancer someone has in order to be compassionate, if you don't want to memorize an extensive list of LGBTQ+ terms, most people won't hold this against you.
Related to terminology (which I've just indicated you might not need precise knowledge on) is the slightly more precise topic of pronouns and preferred names. While it's easy to stand on the sidelines and say, "God made so and so female, so I'll refer to her as 'she' and her parents named her Katelyn, so that's who she is," or something of that ilk, I would like to point out that there's no faster way to alienate someone than to consistently call them a name that isn't theirs. If I walk up to you saying, "hey, are you Matthew?" and you say, "Please call me Matt," you wouldn't think of me as in the right if I continued to call you Matthew. Regardless of your personal stance on pronouns and naming conventions, if you want to be a compassionate individual who is willing to love someone regardless of their choices, the last thing you want to do is continually disregard their requests to call them by a different name or pronoun. For further reflections on name changes, you can refer to my previous post Another Silent Revolution.
Side A versus Side B
When it comes specifically to non hetero-monogamous relationships, there is a good deal of controversy that can effectively be summed up by the Side A vs Side B standards. Side A finds that God created all people and orientations and since God doesn't make mistakes, people should embrace and celebrate that diversity. Side B, on the other hand, finds that God-honoring sexual relationships belong exclusively to a man and woman who are married. Many have done research within the bible and amidst the narratives of people around them and chosen one or the other side. For a more in-depth analysis of A vs B sides, please refer to this detailed discussion.
That both sides exist and that both have legitimate arguments and emotions behind them does not need to be questioned here. The more important factors as I see it lie in the consequences. Many Christians with same-sex attraction start on Side B, but find that it is extremely difficult to live in a world where the only intimate partners that are allowed are spouses (by which I mean sexual intimacy, of course, but also non-sexual intimacy including, but not limited to, intellectual intimacy, sensual intimacy, and social intimacy). Society in general fails to accurately represent how essential friendship and support are to everyone, but those who choose to live celibate tend to feel that they are more isolated than married people. Since this is crushing, it makes sense that Side A arguments are appealing. Side A Christians are often rejected by more traditional churches, and they face many dangers in society as a whole, but often this is easier to deal with than the idea of spending the rest of one's life alone. Additionally, the heartbreak that often follows when someone who started on Side B and has changed their mind and left behind a spouse or children should not be underestimated when Side B is insisted upon.
People versus Politics
For anyone who has not experienced what are considered sinful desires, whether related to identity, gender, sexual desire, or other LGBTQ+ related leanings, I don't know if there's a way to describe it to you. When you watch the news or see pride posts all over the internet, it's easy to form opinions on what's right and wrong. Many in the church easily fall into one of two camps: either the holier-than-thou-god-hates-homosexuality camp or the God-is-love-and-acceptance camp. The reality of the situation is much more complicated. When sitting face to face with someone you thought was a Christian of the true faith but who faces desires for something the Bible declares to be sin, the politics of the situation must necessarily become secondary.
A church must decide which side it is on. And by that I sort of mean A or B side, but more importantly, it must choose whether it is on the side of justice or of compassion. If you decide that sexual practice outside heterosexual monogamous marriage is an abomination, then be ready to offer your unconditional support and love for those who struggle daily to not fall into the minute-by-minute temptations to pursue their sexual desires.
Every LGBTQ+ person is part of a group, yes. Each one belongs to a section of titles and has an overarching philosophy to justify their existence. But each person is an individual with their own logic and hurts. If there's one thing that has burned me more times than I can remember, it's that in my quiet state, I am treated as "one of those people" rather than as myself.
Further Resources
In my own journey, I've been introduced to some extremely helpful resources which I cannot overrecommend to those seeking answers in situations involving the church and the LGBTQ+ community.
Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill
If you read no other books on this topic, read this one. It's small, and it's powerful
Love is an Orientation by Andrew Marin
This book outlines not only some powerful stories, but some practical tips on dealing with homosexuality in the church and on the street.
Lead them Home
This website includes many resources from books to seminars that my trusted friends have recommended to me. I admit I haven't read the books myself, but they come highly recommended. I fully intend to attend a training session in the near future if at all possible.
The End of Sexual Identity by Janell Williams Paris
An in-depth resource exploring celibacy and the labels that people apply to themselves.
Eden Invitation
Looking for more resources and stories of the lives of those struggling to live a God-honoring life amidst same-sex desires? This website is designed both for gay Christians and for those who wish to understand their personal narratives better.
