I recently went outside my cozy room and spoke to people who
I didn’t previously know. I know, I’m pretty brave. It was definitely an
Experience.
The extroverts in the room are already cringing, but hey,
those are the people who look at strangers as potential friends who probably
have some common topic they could discuss together and, even if they don’t
become instant friends, they could spend some pretty enjoyable times having a
conversation about just about anything.
I’m thrilled and a bit confused as to how extroverts can
start up conversations without interrupting anyone. Admittedly, many of my most
extroverted friends confess that one of the hardest parts about being an
extrovert is the concern of becoming annoyingly friendly. I think I have the
opposite problem; I’m annoying because I never talk to people unless absolutely
forced to. But most people are to busy to notice anyway, so I get by.
The hard part for me is when I want to be the one to speak up,
to make a difference, to show I care, but that good old social anxiety gets in
the way. What would the world be like if I would actually speak up when I see
that lonely homeless person, or that woman with her head in her hands, or that
child wondering if a penguin really can swallow a penny?
There are a lot of bits of my life that I consider to be
simply a part of who I am, unable to be denied. I have depression. I am female.
I love cake. I have brown eyes. I have chronic muscle pain. I love the Hampsterdance
song. These are parts of who I am that I accept without question. Social
anxiety is not like that. Social anxiety isn’t a setback or a quirk; it is a
condition that actively prevents me from even trying to obtain the desirable status
of not being alone.
Social anxiety is also one of the conditions I have which is
most likely to be rejected as a good excuse for me to avoid doing something. If
I say I’m depressed, people leave me alone. If I say I’m uncomfortable with
something because of my orientation or beliefs, people generally let it slide.
If I say I’m feeling sick, people let me chill and try to comfort me. If I say
I’m feeling anxious and can’t start talking to a random stranger, people are
likely to tell me to just try it because it can’t be that bad.
As anyone with social anxiety can tell you, though, just
trying won’t make it better. Practice does not make me more comfortable with
something I’m terrified of. I think the first thing I want to do is to explain
that it is a big deal. Doing something as audacious as interrupting someone’s
thoughts is more frightening to me than jumping off a 10-story building or
playing Russian roulette. It’s that bad. It’s not something I can just get over
with practice. Just like jumping off a building, I might do it a hundred times,
but each time I once again stand on the edge, I can still feel my body
screaming that this isn’t safe, and I need to turn back.
To the courageous lady on tumblr who tells me that I should
get out from behind my computer and make an actual difference in the world, I
wish you well, but however small the difference is that I can make from behind
my computer, it’s infinitely larger than the one I would make if I went out
into the world and stood in the corner and wished I could say something.
I don’t aspire to be great. I’ve never meant to change the
world. But whoever said, “share the gospel everywhere. When necessary, use
words,” was probably also a socially anxious nut looking for an excuse to get
out of breaking through a comfort barrier and actually say words that people
don’t want to hear.
Don’t hear me say that social anxiety is nothing. As stated
before, it’s a big deal. But, conversely, I’m not saying that staying home and adding
flaming comments to facebook or reddit is the answer either. What I’m trying to
say is that I’m lonely, but I see human interactions as a minefield where I
risk being shunned and having to brave self-loathing if every conversation doesn’t
turn out well. But I also want to do things. I want to love well. I want to
speak up for the voiceless and share hope with the hurting. Whether I had
social anxiety or not, I think this would be hard. But if you’re reading this,
realize that if I can do it, so can you. One little word; one small gesture.
This week I went out and talked to two complete strangers.
Admittedly one of the conversations went like, “nice weather we’re having.” “yup.”
The other had something to do with how some days just need to get over
themselves and let people sleep. It might have been awkward. I might have been
shaking a bit. But I totally had conversations. Look at me go.
