Some Thoughts on LGBTQ+ and the Church

Most Christians have to come face to face with the issues surrounding LGBTQ+ versus the church at some point. It can be a daunting territory, especially when one reviews the carnage of so many times such meetings have gone wrong. While I can't give you straight-up answers about what is right and wrong, as someone who stands in the gap, in a sense, I'd like to share some things I've learned.

So, Someone in my Church has Come Out of the Closet... Now What?

It's all very well when homosexuality and transexuality are terms that belong to people outside the church, but what should you do if someone within the church community declares that this is who they are? Regardless of your personal stance on the identity--or even the biblical view of it, the first thing I would encourage you to do is become a friend, a listener, and an advocate; educate yourself on what the term actually means, and how to avoid rejecting that human being. Recognize that being homosexual is simply a desire. All of us have desires, but not all of us choose to act on them. Realize that desires are valid even if the behaviors they invoke are not.

Becoming an advocate does not mean condoning all behaviors. It simply means that you will stand by this person and love them no matter what. You will not allow this person to be rejected or excluded because they have sinful desires. You will not allow yourself or others to gossip, slander, or exclude this person. It means you will be an active listener as this person struggles to decide how their sexuality will impact the rest of their life. It means gently, honestly, and immediately defending the person when well-meaning strangers ask, "what the heck is that anyway?" It means you will not allow this person to become another casualty in the neverending battle against sinful judgmentalism.

It's natural for you and members of your church to have questions. If you ask questions, phrase them kindly and avoid shaming the person for their answers. It can be helpful to create a safe space for other members of the congregation to ask questions. In the meantime, you yourself can become better educated on the topics that might come up in such discussions. I've included a few basic tips below, but please check out some valuable resources I have linked at the bottom of the page.

Pronouns, Titles, and Ingredient Lists

One of the most confusing things that people outside the LGBTQ+ community face is the plethora of terminology that surrounds it. To start off, I'll explain that whenever I refer to anyone in the Community, I use their terminology as an adjective, for example, "gay man" or "bisexual person." It has become common to use these words as nouns (e.g. "gays are taking over Manhattan!") but this is dehumanizing, and I try to avoid it in my own dialogue. I use the term "LGBTQ+" not because it's easy to say or because I necessarily want to validate every title that exists, but because this is the latest accepted and comprehensive way to represent non-heterosexual, non-cisgender, or non-monogamous orientations. For a more comprehensive list of titles used within the LGBTQ+ community, please refer to this thoughtful article.

Regardless of how much research you do into terminology, realize that the titles that people apply to themselves are primarily for themselves and for their community. If I identify as sex-repulsed, pan-romantic asexual, this ingredient list is primarily for my own journey of self-discovery and to help me find people who can commiserate with my unique situation. Having a list of adjectives does not preclude "special snowflake syndrome." For someone outside the LGBTQ+ community, becoming familiar with the terminology that LGBTQ+ people use can be helpful in having open conversations, but, just as you don't necessarily need to know exactly what type of cancer someone has in order to be compassionate, if you don't want to memorize an extensive list of LGBTQ+ terms, most people won't hold this against you.

Related to terminology (which I've just indicated you might not need precise knowledge on) is the slightly more precise topic of pronouns and preferred names. While it's easy to stand on the sidelines and say, "God made so and so female, so I'll refer to her as 'she' and her parents named her Katelyn, so that's who she is," or something of that ilk, I would like to point out that there's no faster way to alienate someone than to consistently call them a name that isn't theirs. If I walk up to you saying, "hey, are you Matthew?" and you say, "Please call me Matt," you wouldn't think of me as in the right if I continued to call you Matthew. Regardless of  your personal stance on pronouns and naming conventions, if you want to be a compassionate individual who is willing to love someone regardless of their choices, the last thing you want to do is continually disregard their requests to call them by a different name or pronoun. For further reflections on name changes, you can refer to my previous post Another Silent Revolution.

Side A versus Side B

When it comes specifically to non hetero-monogamous relationships, there is a good deal of controversy that can effectively be summed up by the Side A vs Side B standards. Side A finds that God created all people and orientations and since God doesn't make mistakes, people should embrace and celebrate that diversity. Side B, on the other hand, finds that God-honoring sexual relationships belong exclusively to a man and woman who are married. Many have done research within the bible and amidst the narratives of people around them and chosen one or the other side. For a more in-depth analysis of A vs B sides, please refer to this detailed discussion.

That both sides exist and that both have legitimate arguments and emotions behind them does not need to be questioned here. The more important factors as I see it lie in the consequences. Many Christians with same-sex attraction start on Side B, but find that it is extremely difficult to live in a world where the only intimate partners that are allowed are spouses (by which I mean sexual intimacy, of course, but also non-sexual intimacy including, but not limited to, intellectual intimacy, sensual intimacy, and social intimacy). Society in general fails to accurately represent how essential friendship and support are to everyone, but those who choose to live celibate tend to feel that they are more isolated than married people. Since this is crushing, it makes sense that Side A arguments are appealing. Side A Christians are often rejected by more traditional churches, and they face many dangers in society as a whole, but often this is easier to deal with than the idea of spending the rest of one's life alone. Additionally, the heartbreak that often follows when someone who started on Side B and has changed their mind and left behind a spouse or children should not be underestimated when Side B is insisted upon.

People versus Politics

For anyone who has not experienced what are considered sinful desires, whether related to identity, gender, sexual desire, or other LGBTQ+ related leanings, I don't know if there's a way to describe it to you. When you watch the news or see pride posts all over the internet, it's easy to form opinions on what's right and wrong. Many in the church easily fall into one of two camps: either the holier-than-thou-god-hates-homosexuality camp or the God-is-love-and-acceptance camp. The reality of the situation is much more complicated. When sitting face to face with someone you thought was a Christian of the true faith but who faces desires for something the Bible declares to be sin, the politics of the situation must necessarily become secondary.

A church must decide which side it is on. And by that I sort of mean A or B side, but more importantly, it must choose whether it is on the side of justice or of compassion. If you decide that sexual practice outside heterosexual monogamous marriage is an abomination, then be ready to offer your unconditional support and love for those who struggle daily to not fall into the minute-by-minute temptations to pursue their sexual desires.

Every LGBTQ+ person is part of a group, yes. Each one belongs to a section of titles and has an overarching philosophy to justify their existence. But each person is an individual with their own logic and hurts. If there's one thing that has burned me more times than I can remember, it's that in my quiet state, I am treated as "one of those people" rather than as myself.

Further Resources

In my own journey, I've been introduced to some extremely helpful resources which I cannot overrecommend to those seeking answers in situations involving the church and the LGBTQ+ community.

Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill

If you read no other books on this topic, read this one. It's small, and it's powerful

Love is an Orientation by Andrew Marin

This book outlines not only some powerful stories, but some practical tips on dealing with homosexuality in the church and on the street.

Lead them Home

This website includes many resources from books to seminars that my trusted friends have recommended to me. I admit I haven't read the books myself, but they come highly recommended. I fully intend to attend a training session in the near future if at all possible.

The End of Sexual Identity by Janell Williams Paris

An in-depth resource exploring celibacy and the labels that people apply to themselves.

Eden Invitation

Looking for more resources and stories of the lives of those struggling to live a God-honoring life amidst same-sex desires? This website is designed both for gay Christians and for those who wish to understand their personal narratives better.

Social Go

I recently went outside my cozy room and spoke to people who I didn’t previously know. I know, I’m pretty brave. It was definitely an Experience.

The extroverts in the room are already cringing, but hey, those are the people who look at strangers as potential friends who probably have some common topic they could discuss together and, even if they don’t become instant friends, they could spend some pretty enjoyable times having a conversation about just about anything.

I’m thrilled and a bit confused as to how extroverts can start up conversations without interrupting anyone. Admittedly, many of my most extroverted friends confess that one of the hardest parts about being an extrovert is the concern of becoming annoyingly friendly. I think I have the opposite problem; I’m annoying because I never talk to people unless absolutely forced to. But most people are to busy to notice anyway, so I get by.

The hard part for me is when I want to be the one to speak up, to make a difference, to show I care, but that good old social anxiety gets in the way. What would the world be like if I would actually speak up when I see that lonely homeless person, or that woman with her head in her hands, or that child wondering if a penguin really can swallow a penny?

There are a lot of bits of my life that I consider to be simply a part of who I am, unable to be denied. I have depression. I am female. I love cake. I have brown eyes. I have chronic muscle pain. I love the Hampsterdance song. These are parts of who I am that I accept without question. Social anxiety is not like that. Social anxiety isn’t a setback or a quirk; it is a condition that actively prevents me from even trying to obtain the desirable status of not being alone.

Social anxiety is also one of the conditions I have which is most likely to be rejected as a good excuse for me to avoid doing something. If I say I’m depressed, people leave me alone. If I say I’m uncomfortable with something because of my orientation or beliefs, people generally let it slide. If I say I’m feeling sick, people let me chill and try to comfort me. If I say I’m feeling anxious and can’t start talking to a random stranger, people are likely to tell me to just try it because it can’t be that bad. 

As anyone with social anxiety can tell you, though, just trying won’t make it better. Practice does not make me more comfortable with something I’m terrified of. I think the first thing I want to do is to explain that it is a big deal. Doing something as audacious as interrupting someone’s thoughts is more frightening to me than jumping off a 10-story building or playing Russian roulette. It’s that bad. It’s not something I can just get over with practice. Just like jumping off a building, I might do it a hundred times, but each time I once again stand on the edge, I can still feel my body screaming that this isn’t safe, and I need to turn back.

To the courageous lady on tumblr who tells me that I should get out from behind my computer and make an actual difference in the world, I wish you well, but however small the difference is that I can make from behind my computer, it’s infinitely larger than the one I would make if I went out into the world and stood in the corner and wished I could say something.

I don’t aspire to be great. I’ve never meant to change the world. But whoever said, “share the gospel everywhere. When necessary, use words,” was probably also a socially anxious nut looking for an excuse to get out of breaking through a comfort barrier and actually say words that people don’t want to hear.

Don’t hear me say that social anxiety is nothing. As stated before, it’s a big deal. But, conversely, I’m not saying that staying home and adding flaming comments to facebook or reddit is the answer either. What I’m trying to say is that I’m lonely, but I see human interactions as a minefield where I risk being shunned and having to brave self-loathing if every conversation doesn’t turn out well. But I also want to do things. I want to love well. I want to speak up for the voiceless and share hope with the hurting. Whether I had social anxiety or not, I think this would be hard. But if you’re reading this, realize that if I can do it, so can you. One little word; one small gesture.

This week I went out and talked to two complete strangers. Admittedly one of the conversations went like, “nice weather we’re having.” “yup.” The other had something to do with how some days just need to get over themselves and let people sleep. It might have been awkward. I might have been shaking a bit. But I totally had conversations. Look at me go.

Little Worlds

When I was 14, Sir Winsalot dubbed me Lady Watchalot. We were joined in our cohort by Sir Cheatsalot, Lady Talksalot, Lord Scheming, Sir Hopeful, and Lady Knowsalot. I watched them a lot. I watched them play. I watched them learn. I watched them grow. I watched as they moved away. I guess I did too.

Some internet meme has been telling me that life will pass me by as I watch and I’ll be left alone and empty because I’ve never participated.

All my life I’ve been on the sidelines, in the audience, or backstage. They tried to make me a leader, but I retreated to behind my camera. I don’t think they understood because after that they stopped inviting me to their parties and picnics. If that’s what they meant by left behind, then I guess I do feel alone. But isn’t there a place for someone like me to stand on the sidewalk and cheer as the parade goes by?

You didn’t have courage.

You never stepped out.

You never tried hard enough.

You were content in your comfort zone.

You never said you wanted to participate.

You never reached out.

You never made anything worth showing off.

You never escaped the fear of what others might think if you showed off what you’d made.

You always just waited for someone else to initiate.

You never seemed to want to be a part of anything.

You buckled under the pressure.

You left when it got too hard.

You will always be left alone sweeping the streets after the parade has gone by.

Psh. So?

Even when I’m in the midst of these activities, I’m still on the outside. I can’t see all of it; it’s overwhelming. Perhaps I was born on the outside. I can see much more clearly from there.

Tell me, O sage internet meme, what it means to experience something.

Does it mean that to experience something is to see it?

To hear it?

To taste it?

To be immersed in it?

To understand it?

To remember it?

To have your whole mind and body engaged in it?

To be doing it at the same time as all the other people?

To be able to discuss it play by play once it’s over?

To lose your sense of anything else in favor of sensing it?

To breathe it in and feel it in your entire body?

To feel it deeply in your gut even when your head is telling you it cannot be?

Ah, internet meme, how often do we really experience anything? Really truly experience it? How often are we trapped behind a glass barrier, feeling like we’re only just watching through a tiny screen, even though we are completely surrounded by it?

Can we stand on a mountain and not feel the wind? Can we stand in the mall and not smell anything special? Can we be on the ice rink and not feel the impact of the cold, the echoes, the slice of skates, the heat of our own breath? Can we stand in the rain and not feel like dancing?

What is this reality that you seem to think I’m missing out on? You say that the positive emotions I feel in response to what I love can never be real and that the brokenness I feel at your scorn for my passion is the only reality. Or is it that because I’ve never run a marathon I can never know what it’s really like? Well, what is reality anyway? Is it an objective fact without any feeling attached? Then how is it we experience real love even when there’s no objective reality involved but often impossible insanity? Real is what is, not what you think is.

Oh, internet meme, what does it mean to really live? How can you think to answer that for me?

“There she goes again, staring at the sky. She’s always off in her own little world.”

It’s not my world. You live here too. You just can’t understand it because for you, real is what happens in your own head.

But my world isn’t little.

Faded Literature

I recently watched a video where a reported mother and daughter team started with a full shelf of books and systematically removed all the books with 1. male protagonists 2.no female characters 3.  female characters with no speaking parts  4. books where the female character is rescued. There were only a few books left which contained a female protagonist with goals and aspirations. The reported solution was to make a book about famous women in history.

I suppose I haven't thought much about how I feel about women in literature. However, I find myself agreeing with whomever said, "most female protagonists are either overconfident windbags or unrealistically shy lessons-in-a-box. I like characters that are believable." Trying to come up with a likable, believable female protagonist in a book is rather difficult for me, despite having read many books. 

I'll give you a hint of what I'm looking for. 

Adjectives that are abhorrent when describing female characters in books:

• sexy
• shy
• cute
• flat-chested
• confident
• embarrassed
• flushed
• breathless
• bubbly
• clutz

I find it unnecessary to describe the overall physical appearance of a female character. I don't much care if she is physically appealing or has insecurities about her appearance. I am also sick of female characters that say something stupid and immediately become ill-tempered when called out on it. The word "confident" seems sort of out of place on that list, but I included it because if the author has to explicitly say "she was confident" rather than describing the character doing something in a confident manner, it's both bad writing and trying too hard. 

Phrases that need to stop showing up in relation to female characters:

• She stopped to think (an action that everyone could benefit from doing more often, but is often used to show how "slow" the woman is, rather than able to take quick, decisive action).
• She checked her appearance in the mirror (sure, we all do this, but not always to make sure we look as attractive as possible. Sometimes we just like to be sure there isn't spinach in our teeth).
• She hated how that part of her looked (so? Just once, I'd like to read about a female protagonist who is quietly comfortable with how she looks, not admiring or hating certain aspects of her body throughout the story)
• She was distracted by how hot he was (This is very much a romance novel thing, but occurs in other more interesting books as well. I'd like to see a female character who doesn't have to remind herself to be committed to her goals, regardless of the physical appearance of the other human beings around her).

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'd like there to be more characters in books that are like the strong, real women that I know from my daily life: thoughtful, decisive, willing to apologize, comfortable, adventurous, capable, intuitive, inventive, skilled, funny, noble, kind. Realistically all women have flaws, but can we avoid writing characters that are sulky or brash, addicted to romance, obnoxiously judgmental, militant feminists, stupid or clumsy. Above all, I think we should abolish the caricature of the female protagonist in romance novels.

As I consider all the dumb women in books, I can't help but wonder how they came to be. There are a lot of amazing female authors who probably haven't made a goal of creating the most irrational, unrealistic characters imaginable. Probably. Where does this obnoxious character come from? 

Perhaps it's simply difficult to portray a well-rounded woman within a book consumed with many other characters, a plot, and a fantasy world. Except the protagonist should be getting a lot of attention from the author's pen, right? Perhaps the author is trying to prove a point with all these idiotic characters. If so, point taken, can we move on please? Perhaps no one knows how to create a likable strong female character. If that is the case, what business have we in continuing to write books like this?  

This isn't to say that I've never come across female protagonists that I like. It's a struggle to think of them through that muddle of bad ones I was describing above, but they do exist, and I hope to find more of them. 

The Most Probably Way to Get a Job

Step one (1)

Have skills. If you do not have skills, you'll need to go and get some. This tends to be both time-consuming and expensive, and there is a chance you'll starve or go homeless long before the skills are actually marketable.

Step two (2)

Have experience. "Experience" is a noun (n.) that will appear on a lot of job listings. It is code for "something you do not have and cannot gain without first having it." The best way to obtain the experience that you do not have is to become an intern, which is code for "someone who has a lot of experience, but no money."

Step three (3)

Use your skills. You'll note that this is impossible because you are not currently working in a field wherein your skills are useful. However, if you do not use your skills, you basically don't have them, which means you should go back to step one.

Step four (4)

Market yourself. The most common way of selling off hours of your life is to send out resumes and job applications. If you have no skill at this, no one will ever notice you and you'll be starving and homeless for such a long time that no one will see you for an interview because you'll look scary. There are other ways of marketing your skills, but unless one of your skills is marketing, you'll probably fail at this.

Step five (5)

Make yourself marketable. Some people go about adding new skills or brushing up their appearance, but the most common way of making yourself marketable is lying a little bit so that you actually fit into the very narrow job description that will provide you with enough income to pay off all the debt you acquired while you were obtaining skills.

Step six (6)

Apply to jobs that interest you and that you know you could be successful at.

There are about 2 of these in the entire world, and someone else (who probably hates the job and isn't good at it) is already working there. (see step 7)

Step seven (7)

Lower your standards. It may be impossible for you to pay off your debt and live a comfy life working part-time at minimum wage, but 1/16th of an income is more than 0% of an income. Besides, without experience, you can only ever make 3/4 of an income anyway.


*Disclaimer: everything after step 7 is hypothetical and not related to obtaining a job except to give you some home after you complete step 7

Step eight A (8a)

Discover that you actually like working at an entry-level unskilled job, so you do really well and you get a raise because you tend to be good at what you enjoy, and managers sometimes reward you for that. You may eventually work your way into having most of an income in this fashion. Your dreams will be dead, but dreams don't pay the bills.

Step eight B (8b)

Slowly work your way up the corporate ladder by following a succession of jobs which you only work at for a year or two at most. This looks awkward on your resume, but you justify it by explaining that you're searching for a job that really suits your skills. You also now have a wide variety of experience (wide = not deep). By following this method, you may achieve your dream job by the time you're ready to retire. But since you have no 401K because you've never worked at a job for long enough to receive benefits, you can't retire. Enjoy your golden years in the workforce, because let's face it, if you leave your current job, no one will hire you: you're too old.

Step 8 C (8c)

Work at a job (or several jobs) you hate while secretly doing freelance work in the industry you actually wanted to work in all along, but which you'll never have solid references for, and will never make enough of an income to justify the time it takes away from your "real job." But at least you have something to look forward to when you get home from the daily grind.

When the Happy Light Breaks

Sorry, friends. I'm back on the topic of depression and loneliness.

This is  probably because I'm sitting on home on a Friday morning in my pajamas eating chocolate and bemoaning another rejection letter. I might have even cried a bit yesterday. For like the duration of "a River Flows in You." But not like a ton.

Crying is okay though. It means that I'm not too depressed to care about anything. It means I can still hold onto that label of "moderate" depression, rather than graduating to "severe." My Boy told me that it's a good thing I don't have a job because he'd make me stay home and take a sick day ("mental health is health too!"). I'm pretty sure if I had a job, I wouldn't be so depressed though.

It's funny how depression works like that. Sometimes I don't know why I'm depressed. That can get pretty intense because I have no way of getting better. It feels more like a mental illness then because it seems irrational and something that I have no control over. It's pretty normal comparatively to feel depressed because I feel lonely or hopelessly jobless. It almost annoys me when people send me findings about hormonal shifts or weather patterns causing depression, because that implies that there's something I could do about it, and therefore it's not as serious.

You ever think about how weird it is how we treat people differently when we think they're the reason they're in a bad place? Like, if someone gets shot in the leg by a drive by shooter, we hold benefits and bring over casseroles, but if someone shoots his own leg, we just snicker and vow to keep our guns locked up when he's around. The injury still hurts the same amount and costs as much to fix, but it's hard to have compassion on someone who is careless or unwise. We value cleverness and attentiveness at the expense of compassion for a mistake.

It's like I deserve to have suicidal thoughts because I was stupid enough to move across the country without securing employment first. It's like I deserve to be lonely because I didn't invest in a happy light. And if I suffer dramatic mood shifts around certain times of the month, well, I wasn't smart enough to deposit hundred's of dollars worth of synthetic hormones into my body. I don't want to go to a doctor who gives me instructions on how to get better because then it's my fault if it doesn't work; because I'm not good enough and didn't try hard enough.

There's this nice little hugbox philosophy that nothing is my fault and everyone else should bend over backwards so I'm never uncomfortable. I don't want to sound like I'm pandering to that. I think I should put in effort to improve my mental health when I can. Just recognize that sometimes I can't. Please love me despite this.

These days I see homeless people sleeping in subway cars or along quiet alleyways. I still don't know how to take this. I wonder if they're there because of something they did or because of external factors they had no control over. I wonder if I were in a position to help them, how long it would take for them to fall back onto hard times. I wonder if they are capable of making better choices or if the world is just turned against them. I suppose the reason they're homeless is no more important than the reason I'm depressed though. We don't give up on fixing something just because it's liable to get broken again; we don't stop showering just because we know we'll get dirty again. If we did give up, we'd lose something valuable in the process.

A person's value is not in the choices they make.

Springtime for Rocks

It's springtime. Every year, my favorite time of year. It can be dull and dreary and full of mud, but it is warm, and I love that. I've often wondered if my favorite time of year has anything to do with the fact that I was born in the spring. Perhaps I have so much residual happiness left over from the light and discovery and birthday parties that I can't help but celebrate this season. It seems most people like the season they were born into, but not all of them.

There's always this awkward phase though. I see it now as I glance out my window. The blanket of whitewashing snow is gone, but it has left behind heaps of rocks, dust, sand, and litter everywhere it had been heaped up. The grass is dead and brown. No flowers bloom. The trees are a dusky meld of dead brown. Anywhere there isn't pavement, there is likely to be sticky mud that gets on your shoes and pants and follows you everywhere but the innermost portions of clean tidy buildings. Today the sky is a mass of hazy bluish-grey, occasionally drooping into scattered showers, but mostly just lazing about in the lower atmosphere.

I've heard it said that spring is waiting for summer. But that's silly, you know. Trees and mud and skies don't wait for anything. They simply change as the weather changes. How would a cloud or a rock or a seed care what color it is or how long it'll be until people can be out enjoying popsicles on the boardwalk or celebrating birthday parties around a picnic table? The world is in the present moment, neither regretting nor waiting, but simply being.

People aren't like that. People long for spring after a harsh winter. People dream of summer during a muddy spring. People hope for a crisp fall after a humid summer. Perhaps there are people who wait in anticipation for winter too, but I do not understand why they would do this. People have hopes and longings and complaints and regrets. People are not satisfied. People cannot always live in the present moment.

Upon the advice of a prestigious psychologist, I have taken to occasionally listening to the recorded message of humans who claim to be able to aid me in achieving mindfulness. That is, they whisper into microphones about paying attention to my breathing, considering what I'm thinking about and feeling, and experiencing my senses one at a time. Usually they stick with five senses, but apparently there are more. I can focus on my sense of balance, for example, which makes my sense of hot/cold and my sense of where each part of my body is located and my sense of time passing less notable in my brain. I suppose all of those feelings could be attributed to touch in some way, but they are not the same.

I like to occasionally listen to the whispers of the mindfulness speakers. They remind me that no matter what has happened or what might happen or how many consequences I will have to face, I can only change the present moment. I am only living in this incredibly small instant of time that will disappear instantly after I've experienced it. And what can I do with it then?

Well, what can I do? I've heard that most people don't need help discovering what their dreams are, though some do. Apparently some people cannot have their own dreams, but if someone else has a strong dream, they can share it and it becomes both people's dream. The tricky part for most people is believing that their dreams can happen. I have many dreams that I don't pursue because I believe them to be impossible. I envy children in the way that to them, nothing is quite impossible, but as we gain experiences, we learn that not everything can be possible. No matter how much we want something, we might not be able to get it. Worse, we might have to give up something else to get it. I wonder if it's possible to have it all?

It is impossible for me to live completely in the present moment. It would be silly, in fact. Even animals use their memories of the past to help them achieve advantages and avoid pain. I don't think animals have much sense of the future though. Sure, they plan ahead for winter hibernation and whatnot, and they must have a sense of schedule, or my dog would never be able to predict what time I'll be home from work each day. Yet, I don't think it's likely that they worry about what will happen, who will feel what about them, and whether they'll have food stored up for every day of their lives. Perhaps they do have anxiety about the future, but it seems unlikely to me.

I spend a lot of my time in the future, wondering what will happen and how to best prepare for it. I spend a lot of time in the past, considering what has happened and why and how to prevent or cause such things to happen again. The present moment is a difficult place to live in, even in the springtime when the world smells like fresh new mud and the wind is soft and warm and the colors are beginning to remind me that nothing stays brown and dead forever.

I cannot decide if it is better to be like a tree: living always in the present, unable to dream or regret. A sense of time is a dangerous thing.

A Big Fat Lost Opportunity

It's January, and resolutions are still ringing in the air. Or wherever resolutions hang out. I haven't exactly seen one lately. I'm normally not one for new years resolutions because statistically, they don't seem very effective. I intended to start getting healthier and more educated last summer though, and since I've gotten very bad at that again, I thought now might be a good time to start.

My resolutions this year: Write 2018 instead of 2017 (failed); don't search for a different song on phone while driving (failed); work out 3x per week (failed); shower twice a week (failed); read at least one whole book every month (still hope on this one); stop buying products with sugar (this one needs to be more specific; I'm not sure if I've failed it or not yet); advance to a 7th grade proficiency in common core subjects (haven't actually started on this one). It's only the third week of 2018 and my resolutions turned out to not be very strong. But I was expecting this, which is why I'm still working out occasionally and haven't taken the shower alarms off my phone. I think that's the thing that makes a resolution different from a lifestyle change; you can fail a resolution, but you can still keep trying to change your lifestyle one day at a time.

Related to health and fitness, I've been encouraging a friend of mine to loose weight. I don't really care how fat my friends are, but she wants to loose weight, so I'd be a terrible friend if I didn't care at all. She's made some great progress, and I'm proud of her. On her down days, I always ask her, "why do you want to loose this weight? What's your goal, and why does it mean so much to you?" This is to motivate her because she wants to get to 130lb so her boyfriend thinks she's sexy. I already think she's sexy enough, but apparently this motivates her a lot. She likes to throw in things like, "I'll feel healthier, less tired; I won't have to worry about diabetes, and my mom and I will be able to share clothes again." I think she mostly wants to have more sex with her boyfriend, but she can't help but throw in these common catchphrases that gyms and phys ed classes have been throwing around for basically as long as they've existed. And being me, I have to ponder these a bit.

As you might guess if you've read some of my other posts, I'm not really concerned with looking sexy. I think health is something relatively important, but only when it's convenient. I suppose part of this is because I have chronic illness, specifically a nerve condition that makes it unlikely that I'll ever feel healthy again in my life, as well as depression, migraines, and an increased aptitude for catching colds and bad moods. I got a card the other day from a dear friend who was very concerned when I made a joke about how I'm unwanted due to my unmarried status; he informed me that I am beautiful both inside and out, and that I don't need to talk like I'm unlovable just because I'm unmarried. It was sweet, but also cringy. I get that he doesn't know me super well and that he's doing the best he can to encourage me, but please encourage me to live life fully, to explore my passions and talents, and to love fully and well, not to need constant reassurance that I'm aesthetically pleasing.

This brings me back to an interesting conversation that Mother and I have been having about the bible study occurring in her church. I don't know the name of the study, but when I describe it, I'm sure you'll be able to find dozens of examples of Christianese drivel that panders to the same unspoken need. The study is on the topic of food and how women in the church need to feed their bodies so they can be best equipped to serve god. It hits on the essential topics of avoiding food addiction, delighting in the fact that god sees every one of his daughters as beautiful princesses, and how losing weight is actually an act of worship. How is losing weight an act of worship? Because it means you're no longer living to yourself and blindly following the devil's snare of comfort eating, but you are choosing to live healthy and strong so that you'll be ready when god asks you to run a marathon to share the gospel with someone 32 miles away.

Okay, I'm not even paraphrasing anymore, but this is my blog, and I have creative license. The point is, this study was intently implying that being fat and unhealthy is sinful, whereas being healthy and religiously caring for your body is holy and the way that god best uses women. But also that they're beautiful no matter what.

So, where do I begin? Being the intelligent reader that you are, I'm sure that you've noted the inconsistency in the idea that you must be healthy to serve god. There is nowhere in the bible where it has ever been indicated, "and the LORD searched the whole earth for someone perfectly healthy to do his will. Fortunately, there was a whole group of women who had been sharing vegan recipes and set up accountability partners to go to the gym 3x a week with each other, and thus god was pleased." In fact, my cursory glimpses into the bible seem to indicate that god isn't at all hindered by the health, weight, language, color, relative beauty, talent, or lack thereof of his servants. God doesn't seem to care much whether an individual feels ready to serve based on years of training and paleo diets. In my experience, He simply says, "Go, show love; I'll meet you there."

When did god's people decide that telling little girls they're beautiful takes precedence over telling them that they're horrible sinners that god chooses to love despite all their shortcomings and they can be saved? When did beautiful become something that we need to feel? Why is it so wrong to tell a teenage girl that she's just average-looking? We all want to feel beautiful, but god has so much more for us than that. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that somewhere along the lines, I've accepted the fact that being healthy is a desirable goal; that being good-looking and feeling great are important things to strive for. In some ways, this is so. There are advantages to being beautiful and tall and professional and attractive; life is easier when you're not vomiting, having asthma attacks, or shooting up with insulin. But I think it's silly to equate that with being holy and doing God's will. God never said one has to be healthy to belong in his Kingdom; nor did he say to neglect to care for one's body. We've taken something that is currently culturally important and tried to fit it into our idea of religiosity. But god didn't say, "I want you to have high self-esteem," He said, "I love you; love one another."