Glass of Water

So, let's talk about women. Women are smaller than men. Women are curvier than men. Women are more emotional than men. Women are weaker than men. Women like children more than men do. Women are better at multitasking. Women are worse at math. Women are silly, sassy, sexy, bubbly, pretty, soft, sweet, feisty, frigid, frumpy, frivolous, vain, temperamental, passive...

Like many stereotypes, the illusion of feminine runs deep, and it's difficult at times to take a step back and look at what character traits are intrinsically female and which are merely human. Despite a pretty extensive array of ways in which women's rights have been pioneered in the last few centuries, the stereotype remains and still distinctly classes men and women as different species.

I'm not a sociologist, and while I definitely have speculations and thoughts on the subject, I think the more valuable thing I have to offer is my own experience here.

See, as a human being born with a female body, I experience an annoying amount of dysphoria. That is to say, I'm not comfortable with my own body. And I know you might be like, no, that's just a thing that women do, but hear me out. I don't mean the cosmetic things about being a woman, being too fat or not having the right texture of hair, but the deep, intrinsic items that define me as a woman.

I recall one particular instance of lying in a bathtub crying while looking at my chest and thinking that life would be better if my breasts had never developed. I've tried to claim that everything was fine before puberty. I had nothing against being a girl; but becoming a woman was something that I never wanted and am still a bit resentful of. I recognize now that part of this is because of my asexuality and the consequent uselessness of my reproductive system, as well as the inconvenience of having to care for my baby-making parts despite having never needed or wanted them. I still wish I could just get them removed, even though it's been years since puberty.

What is a woman anyway? In the broadest definition, a woman is merely a member of homo sapiens sapiens who happens to be female. If you draw up a mental picture of a woman, though, chances are you'll get something like what google shows you if you type in an image search; long hair, attractive smile, makeup, lingerie, fashionable clothing, doe-like expression, kissing, sunsets... And then the stories they come with: celebrity status, sex, rape, women's rights, wealth, kidnappings, Wonder Woman, abuse, dating tips, mail order brides, weight, bodies, chests, attractive, swimsuits, beaches.

Does Google know what a woman is? I wonder if anyone can really define it beyond the mere facts of male vs female.

But back to me (because, again, I could offer social commentary, but I hope you'll do some thinking yourself and I'm not an expert, just a researcher).

I don't mind being a girl. Girls are okay. Not great, but not terrible, just like boys. And I suppose if I could have stayed a girl, things might be different, but it wouldn't change the comments that I've gotten all my life.
"You're so pretty"
"You should be a model, you're so tall and thin"
"Why don't you let your brother lift that?"
"Wow, you're actually shorter than me"
"I wish I could be bubbly and cute like you"
"mmm, dat ass"
"Really, you're going to cry over that?"
"You be the dad"
"Your boobs are really big"
"Why don't you wear more dresses?"
"Ladies don't talk like that"
"Like you need heels to be taller"

So, guys, what I'm getting here is that I can't be a woman because I'm tall and strong and thoughtful and practical. But I have to be a woman because I like glitter and stickers and I'm sometimes afraid.

UG! WTF, society! What does it even mean to be a woman? Why do I have to fit into some sort of box? I'm tired of it. I just want to be human. I want to be exactly who I enjoy being without that niggling fear that I'm somehow betraying my gender. You'd never know it to look at me, but I hesitate. I hesitate when I wink and blow a kiss. I hesitate when I offer my strong arms to help you up. I hesitate when I think I might cry. I hesitate when I have to decide once more what the appropriate response is to "wow, you're tall."

I don't want to be valued as a woman, exactly. I want to be valued as a person. I have some traits that are typically feminine. I also have some traits that are typically masculine. But that's okay, you guys. I just wanted to let you know why I don't like being called "she" so very much. It feels constricting. I'm certainly not "he" either, but whatever you imagine I am because I'm a woman is stomped on and crushed as soon as you say "but, I wasn't expecting that." So, stop expecting me to be that at all. I don't need to live my life to prove you right or wrong, and I'm tired of hearing about it.

How To They/Them

 I think it's high time I had out with it. I identify as mostly female. This probably will not surprise anyone who knows me irl, but I think it had to be said. Female is, of course, many things, but can involve she/her pronouns. I think that I am not alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with these pronouns from time to time, but we can get into that later. 

I'm not actually here to have a big coming out story. See, I've just finished this book, How To They/Them: A Visual Guide to Nonbinary Pronouns and the World of Gender Fluidity by Stuart Getty. I've already written a short review of the book, so feel free to check that out in the comments section. If this is the sort of thing you like, then please do read it. Okay, Sirah, then what are you here for? Okay, okay. Even though I'm not particularly unclear about where I fall on the so-called gender binary, I've been thinking about femininity lately. 

Basically, I want to know where we get this idea of gender in the first place. Why is everyone automatically either masculine or feminine? I get that based on reproductive function, there is some sort of classification, but if my studies of genetics and external characteristics have anything to say, these two categories aren't exclusive either. But sex and gender don't necessarily have to do with each other. 

Definition: sex being having biological indicators of male, female or something else

Definition: gender being actions, feelings or tendencies that are more typical of either masculine or feminine. 

I've just gotta say, there isn't a really compelling reason why sex and gender should be assumed to match with one another. My experience leads me to believe that most female people have more typically feminine tendencies, but this is not a rule, and shouldn't be treated as one.

I actually don't have much more to say here. I just want to pose the question; what if gender is actually all fake? What if there are good things about being masculine, good things about being feminine, good things about being both, and good things about being neither? 

Another one about suffering, but also about death

It's an age-old question that many have asked, "if God is so good and powerful, why is there evil and suffering in the world?" I've asked this question; friends have asked this question; author and pastor Christian M.M. Brady has also asked this question. If you have a better answer to this than I have, you might just be either a genius or a lot less sensitive than you should be. 

Arguments range from the concept that suffering occurs because of free will and the consequences of sin all the way to the concept of a micro-managing god who somehow can't find a better way of inspiring people to do good than to slaughter their children. Brady, who has gone through the devastating suffering of losing a young child, doesn't offer the classic pat answers, and I find that refreshing. He admits that he doesn't know. This book is more focused on how to live with suffering and loss than on explaining why it happens. Realistically, while the reasons for suffering remain an interesting thought exercise, we really can't know why every bad thing happens. Instead, we can do as Gandalf recommends and decide what to do with the time we are given. 

I personally do not have any children. It's sort of my dream to be an aunt, but that's not the same thing. I cannot really imagine therefore, what it's like to lose a child. (I kind of hate that phrase, "lose a child" because it sort of implies that they're not really gone, just misplaced, which is kind of a sad joke). But anyway, as I read Brady's book, my thoughts turned toward my aunt and uncle whose young daughter passed away several years ago after a sudden infliction of brain cancer. To this day, they carry that grief around with them everywhere. I think that like most people, I sometimes get a little impatient with this grieving. I wish they could move on and go back to being happy and fun to be with all the time.I wish it could get better.

I wonder if grief is like chronic illness. I'm sure that I'll inevitably have the chance to compare the two since I know and love many people and one of them is sure to die eventually. My chronic illness is always hanging over my head reminding me of what once was and can never be again and I'm always finding it popping up in conversations that have nothing in particular to do with it. Like right now. While the two are certainly not the same, there is grief in dealing with loss of good health that finds a sharper tone in the grief of death.

As much as I joke about it, there is also a very real grief from the mere absence of a person in your life even if they haven't actually died. Basically, we have a lot of things to grieve about in life. And you know what? It's okay to grieve. Grieve for the loss of a friendship. Grieve for the loss of a lover. Grieve for the loss of an animal, a place, anything you may not see again or experience with the same joy and freedom. And it's okay to grieve however you think is necessary. There isn't really a wrong way to grieve. 

Obviously, the death of a child or really any loved one is one of the more devastating events in life. Grief comes from many sources, but ultimately, the question we need to ask in the face of suffering is not so much about why we must face it as what we do with it. Brady has some suggestions, which include looking toward eternity, offering comfort in the here and now, taking practical step to help mitigate the suffering of those around you and finding positive ways to remember the life and joy of those who are gone.