Glass of Water

So, let's talk about women. Women are smaller than men. Women are curvier than men. Women are more emotional than men. Women are weaker than men. Women like children more than men do. Women are better at multitasking. Women are worse at math. Women are silly, sassy, sexy, bubbly, pretty, soft, sweet, feisty, frigid, frumpy, frivolous, vain, temperamental, passive...

Like many stereotypes, the illusion of feminine runs deep, and it's difficult at times to take a step back and look at what character traits are intrinsically female and which are merely human. Despite a pretty extensive array of ways in which women's rights have been pioneered in the last few centuries, the stereotype remains and still distinctly classes men and women as different species.

I'm not a sociologist, and while I definitely have speculations and thoughts on the subject, I think the more valuable thing I have to offer is my own experience here.

See, as a human being born with a female body, I experience an annoying amount of dysphoria. That is to say, I'm not comfortable with my own body. And I know you might be like, no, that's just a thing that women do, but hear me out. I don't mean the cosmetic things about being a woman, being too fat or not having the right texture of hair, but the deep, intrinsic items that define me as a woman.

I recall one particular instance of lying in a bathtub crying while looking at my chest and thinking that life would be better if my breasts had never developed. I've tried to claim that everything was fine before puberty. I had nothing against being a girl; but becoming a woman was something that I never wanted and am still a bit resentful of. I recognize now that part of this is because of my asexuality and the consequent uselessness of my reproductive system, as well as the inconvenience of having to care for my baby-making parts despite having never needed or wanted them. I still wish I could just get them removed, even though it's been years since puberty.

What is a woman anyway? In the broadest definition, a woman is merely a member of homo sapiens sapiens who happens to be female. If you draw up a mental picture of a woman, though, chances are you'll get something like what google shows you if you type in an image search; long hair, attractive smile, makeup, lingerie, fashionable clothing, doe-like expression, kissing, sunsets... And then the stories they come with: celebrity status, sex, rape, women's rights, wealth, kidnappings, Wonder Woman, abuse, dating tips, mail order brides, weight, bodies, chests, attractive, swimsuits, beaches.

Does Google know what a woman is? I wonder if anyone can really define it beyond the mere facts of male vs female.

But back to me (because, again, I could offer social commentary, but I hope you'll do some thinking yourself and I'm not an expert, just a researcher).

I don't mind being a girl. Girls are okay. Not great, but not terrible, just like boys. And I suppose if I could have stayed a girl, things might be different, but it wouldn't change the comments that I've gotten all my life.
"You're so pretty"
"You should be a model, you're so tall and thin"
"Why don't you let your brother lift that?"
"Wow, you're actually shorter than me"
"I wish I could be bubbly and cute like you"
"mmm, dat ass"
"Really, you're going to cry over that?"
"You be the dad"
"Your boobs are really big"
"Why don't you wear more dresses?"
"Ladies don't talk like that"
"Like you need heels to be taller"

So, guys, what I'm getting here is that I can't be a woman because I'm tall and strong and thoughtful and practical. But I have to be a woman because I like glitter and stickers and I'm sometimes afraid.

UG! WTF, society! What does it even mean to be a woman? Why do I have to fit into some sort of box? I'm tired of it. I just want to be human. I want to be exactly who I enjoy being without that niggling fear that I'm somehow betraying my gender. You'd never know it to look at me, but I hesitate. I hesitate when I wink and blow a kiss. I hesitate when I offer my strong arms to help you up. I hesitate when I think I might cry. I hesitate when I have to decide once more what the appropriate response is to "wow, you're tall."

I don't want to be valued as a woman, exactly. I want to be valued as a person. I have some traits that are typically feminine. I also have some traits that are typically masculine. But that's okay, you guys. I just wanted to let you know why I don't like being called "she" so very much. It feels constricting. I'm certainly not "he" either, but whatever you imagine I am because I'm a woman is stomped on and crushed as soon as you say "but, I wasn't expecting that." So, stop expecting me to be that at all. I don't need to live my life to prove you right or wrong, and I'm tired of hearing about it.

How To They/Them

 I think it's high time I had out with it. I identify as mostly female. This probably will not surprise anyone who knows me irl, but I think it had to be said. Female is, of course, many things, but can involve she/her pronouns. I think that I am not alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with these pronouns from time to time, but we can get into that later. 

I'm not actually here to have a big coming out story. See, I've just finished this book, How To They/Them: A Visual Guide to Nonbinary Pronouns and the World of Gender Fluidity by Stuart Getty. I've already written a short review of the book, so feel free to check that out in the comments section. If this is the sort of thing you like, then please do read it. Okay, Sirah, then what are you here for? Okay, okay. Even though I'm not particularly unclear about where I fall on the so-called gender binary, I've been thinking about femininity lately. 

Basically, I want to know where we get this idea of gender in the first place. Why is everyone automatically either masculine or feminine? I get that based on reproductive function, there is some sort of classification, but if my studies of genetics and external characteristics have anything to say, these two categories aren't exclusive either. But sex and gender don't necessarily have to do with each other. 

Definition: sex being having biological indicators of male, female or something else

Definition: gender being actions, feelings or tendencies that are more typical of either masculine or feminine. 

I've just gotta say, there isn't a really compelling reason why sex and gender should be assumed to match with one another. My experience leads me to believe that most female people have more typically feminine tendencies, but this is not a rule, and shouldn't be treated as one.

I actually don't have much more to say here. I just want to pose the question; what if gender is actually all fake? What if there are good things about being masculine, good things about being feminine, good things about being both, and good things about being neither? 

Another one about suffering, but also about death

It's an age-old question that many have asked, "if God is so good and powerful, why is there evil and suffering in the world?" I've asked this question; friends have asked this question; author and pastor Christian M.M. Brady has also asked this question. If you have a better answer to this than I have, you might just be either a genius or a lot less sensitive than you should be. 

Arguments range from the concept that suffering occurs because of free will and the consequences of sin all the way to the concept of a micro-managing god who somehow can't find a better way of inspiring people to do good than to slaughter their children. Brady, who has gone through the devastating suffering of losing a young child, doesn't offer the classic pat answers, and I find that refreshing. He admits that he doesn't know. This book is more focused on how to live with suffering and loss than on explaining why it happens. Realistically, while the reasons for suffering remain an interesting thought exercise, we really can't know why every bad thing happens. Instead, we can do as Gandalf recommends and decide what to do with the time we are given. 

I personally do not have any children. It's sort of my dream to be an aunt, but that's not the same thing. I cannot really imagine therefore, what it's like to lose a child. (I kind of hate that phrase, "lose a child" because it sort of implies that they're not really gone, just misplaced, which is kind of a sad joke). But anyway, as I read Brady's book, my thoughts turned toward my aunt and uncle whose young daughter passed away several years ago after a sudden infliction of brain cancer. To this day, they carry that grief around with them everywhere. I think that like most people, I sometimes get a little impatient with this grieving. I wish they could move on and go back to being happy and fun to be with all the time.I wish it could get better.

I wonder if grief is like chronic illness. I'm sure that I'll inevitably have the chance to compare the two since I know and love many people and one of them is sure to die eventually. My chronic illness is always hanging over my head reminding me of what once was and can never be again and I'm always finding it popping up in conversations that have nothing in particular to do with it. Like right now. While the two are certainly not the same, there is grief in dealing with loss of good health that finds a sharper tone in the grief of death.

As much as I joke about it, there is also a very real grief from the mere absence of a person in your life even if they haven't actually died. Basically, we have a lot of things to grieve about in life. And you know what? It's okay to grieve. Grieve for the loss of a friendship. Grieve for the loss of a lover. Grieve for the loss of an animal, a place, anything you may not see again or experience with the same joy and freedom. And it's okay to grieve however you think is necessary. There isn't really a wrong way to grieve. 

Obviously, the death of a child or really any loved one is one of the more devastating events in life. Grief comes from many sources, but ultimately, the question we need to ask in the face of suffering is not so much about why we must face it as what we do with it. Brady has some suggestions, which include looking toward eternity, offering comfort in the here and now, taking practical step to help mitigate the suffering of those around you and finding positive ways to remember the life and joy of those who are gone. 

Diction: Baby

When did humans start using the word "baby" as a term of endearment for a significant other? Just, how?

I look at a baby, and there are a lot of likable things about it, but babies are pretty much the last thing on my list of things with which to have a romantic relationship--and that list includes paintings and potted plants. Er, scratch that, there are some things that just shouldn't be on that list, and babies are one of them.

Please, love babies. Do not consider them as romantic or sexual partners. Do Not.

I asked the children what they thought of this. We listen to a lot of annoying pop songs on the radio, and I had noticed that "baby" still hasn't died out as a common hook in a song. So, I asked the children what they thought about this. The 7 year old replied that you should love your boyfriend or girlfriend as much as you love a baby, but she agreed that you don't love them in the same way. The other children didn't say much, preferring to ignore the question.

Now, on the one hand, calling a partner "baby" does signal something warm and gentle, as well as a desire to protect. This would be lovely if that were how the term were used. But consider the derivative "babe" which generally implies a voluptuous, scantily clad woman. Not someone soft and quiet and helpless.

Is this a ploy to infantalize people? To make our partners feel helpless and wimpy? Reportedly the term goes back to the 17th century at least, at which point women were very much considered inferior in many ways to men. Well, that's not okay with me.

So, what to do? I don't suppose I can convince the world to stop using the word "baby" as a romantic term, but I wish I could. I personally refuse to be called "baby" by anyone.

I was delighted to discover a EDM band that considered this and gave me back some of my pride as a human by using the word "lady" where other songs might use "baby." Obviously this would sound silly in Justin Bieber's song "baby." The word "lady" is much more formal and impersonal. But you know, words matter, and given the choice, I'd rather take the term that grants me respect and graciousness rather than one that implies that I'm a helpless sexual object.

Chronic Illness

What is Chronic Illness? 

Chronic illness is effectively always being sick. I'm sure there are cleverer definitions, but that's what it is to me. And since I'm writing this blog, I get to decide how to interpret my own answers. So there. I've been ill for about 10 years now. It wasn't so bad at first, but it has gotten worse, and now it is Noticeable.

Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but for me, my illness went like this:
1. I'm not feeling so good sometimes
2. I'm feeling downright crummy sometimes
3. I'm feeling terrible more times than not
4. I'm feeling terrible a lot of the time.
5. I rarely feel good.

Today happens to be a good day. I'm in pain, sure, but I'm not depressed and I'm able to function mostly like a healthy human being. I can get out of bed, I can eat food. I can listen to sounds. I can workout at the gym. I can play with the children. I can do work. I can socialize.

Yesterday happened to be a bad day. I barely got out of bed. I lied to everyone who asked me how I was doing. I finished my day by crawling from the couch to the bed and spending 9 hours tossing and turning while I tried not to cry or throw up. I admit that yesterday was the first time that I was in so much pain that I reacted by puking. I'd kind of like that to not happen again, but I don't know that I can do much about it.

What's it like having a chronic illness?

Again, not to speak for everyone, but in my experience, dealing with the pain isn't actually the hardest part of having a chronic illness. Human bodies and brains are amazingly resilient. You stub your toe, and your nervous system goes YIKES! but then your brain says, no, it's okay, we can still walk. On with the football game! I'm in pain like 98% of the time, but I honestly sometimes sort of forget that I'm in pain because my psyche is like, dude, we have other things to think about. Like, I go to yoga class, and the instructor asks us to do a down dog, and I have to stop and think about it, hmm, are my wrists feeling good enough to support half my body weight right now? Nope. Rarely. But the pain isn't constantly pressing me down. It could certainly be worse, and I know that some people do deal with constant noticeable pain, but it remains incredible how much pain human beings are capable of dealing with once we realize we can't do anything about it.

No, the hard parts of chronic illness are things like waking up in the morning and counting your spoons (aka, emotional energy), and realizing you'll never be able to get everything done because you just don't have it in you today. Things like meeting someone new and trying really hard to find things to say that don't have anything to do with illness, even though it's a huge part of what you think about most of the time, but you don't want them to immediately think of you as a sick person. It's things like being afraid to make appointments because you don't know if you'll be feeling up to it that day and you hate feeling like a flake. It's things like people asking how you are, and secretly knowing that you'll never be able to honestly say "good," but you kind of have to because there's no point in getting into the whole story in passing. It's knowing that you might never get better, no matter how many good wishes are sent your way. It's when people eventually stop sending flowers and cards because "get well soon" doesn't stand up against the permanence of the illness. It's the loneliness. It's the depression. It's the helplessness. 

What can you do to help?

Well, you can care.

Shrieking History

I was going to start with something nostalgic about my blog's 3 year anniversary, but that's both sappy and inaccurate, so I'll say instead that a lot has changed over the last 3 years. One thing that hasn't changed is that I'm still lonely.

Oh, girl, you're going to start with that?

I'm just going to post these here and you can decide for yourself:

I don't mean that anyone should feel sorry for me. Lord knows I already feel sorry enough for myself, and that's a dumb place to sit in. I've been glancing over my history and all that nonsense and it's cuttingly obvious that I crave close friendships and have for most of my life. My therapist keeps bringing it up as if it were some sort of amazing revelation, but I know that I'm alone. And I know that it's not good for me.

Sometimes something happens, and you're like, yes, I belong here and this is right and even though I had 6 panic attacks and got into 3 car accidents before I was able to bring myself here, I'm so relieved that it was the right thing to do. And then you go home feeling happy and all that. But the next day you come back and you find the door shut. You can never get back again. It gets to the point where you don't want to go anywhere at all. You don't want to try to belong. You can't bring yourself to want to be wanted because even though you know it's what you need, you can't bear to lose and lose and lose again. Kate DiCamillo tells us that the heart lives by breaking. That's what a heart does. But the more you break, the more you wonder if anyone ever breaks for you?


Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's not how hearts are created. Sora might be able to go around filling his heart with bits of other's, but despite all the broken pieces out there, it seems like nothing ever fits in me. We scatter and we dream and we stand waiting, but sometimes, nothing happens. We simply stay there in the cold wondering where are the pieces that are meant to fit in to make us whole.

Friends, I might be wrong, but I'm pretty convinced that people weren't meant to live alone. People weren't meant to live believing that they are worthless and unnecessary. People shouldn't have to just do things for attention or live on the edges or watch ships in the night pass them by. Movies and books and video games are filled with heart-wrenching stories of a crazy coincidence that brings together companions, lovers, and friends. But it turns out that the reason these stories are so compelling is that each of us wants that closeness with someone. Each of us wants to be loved and respected and wanted. But in the whole wide world, the chances of running into the someone whose broken pieces fit perfectly with your own are incredibly small. 

So we throw ourselves against the walls. We smash shards of hearts into our chests believing that close enough is good enough and that as long as we can ignore the bleeding, the wholeness will eventually come. 

Friends, I'm not just a bunch of letters on an internet page. I'm a person. I'm a cosmic being full of hopes, dreams, sorrows, pains and stories. I want to know and be known. This isn't a cry for help. But if you find yourself in the same sort of place, which we all do at some time or another, don't let's each be lonely separately. I'm not that hard to find. 

Much Love Always,

♥

   

Remarkable Literature

It's rather remarkable that one can read hundreds of pieces of good literature and be unable to find the words to say why they are good. But then one reads a bit of bad writing, and suddenly it becomes clear. Good literature is not this. I admit, therefore, that I have been reading A Song of Ice and Fire. It is not my intention in any way to come across as a hater, so I won't review said book here. However, it may be worth note that of the points I bring up in the following paragraphs, few if any apply positively toward that particular book.

What makes a good piece of fiction? I suppose there are many views on this. In my opinion, there are 2 overarching themes to what comprises a good book; namely the quality of individual elements and the way the book makes one feel. I'll break down the elements later on, but I think that feeling is more important in the making of a good book than any one element. A good book makes one feel something. If you walk away and forget the book, chances are it wasn't good. I have dozens of books on my "read" list that I glance at the covers and wonder what that book was about anyway. There is not much likelihood that any of them would qualify for "good books" on my list. This, naturally varies from person to person, and in fact, 10 years ago I reviewed a certain series as good which I can now pick apart and say it is a dramatic failure as a good book. The bottom line is that if a book does not inspire some sort of emotion, all the words are basically wasted. Sure, there may be facts and quotes and all sorts of technical goodnesses, but if feeling is key, anything that obscures it makes the book worse.

A Song of Ice and Fire does, in fact, inspire a lot of feeling. One point in its favor. But there is a strong difference in the feeling of, for example, the Girl Who Drank the Moon, Love That Dog, The Magician's Elephant, or Anna Karenina. These books all inspire strong feeling in me. It isn't always positive feeling (see me sitting on a bench at the blood donation center bawling my eyes out to Love That Dog or gasping in pain as I literally commit suicide with Anna), but there is a sense that they are wholesome. They are real. They are true. And although they aren't always pleasant, there is a sense of nobility, understanding, and overarching honesty to them that makes me feel more human.

Compare this to the feelings I get from Fire and Ice: despair, loss, confusion, a sense that no matter how much good is in the world, those who are powerful can follow their selfish and lustful whims without consequence. This book makes me feel depressed. While there is certainly a lot that is depressing in the world, I have reason to believe that good can triumph over evil, and that selfishness and lust are not the only controlling forces in this world. But, as I've said before, if that's the sort of thing you like, then feel free to like it.

Anyway, everyone feels differently, and that's fine. While I think that Ice and Fire will always be popular, I'll never get on the bandwagon with the series. I'm also pretty sure it will never make it to the shelf of "great classical literature." This is primarily because it doesn't score well on the elements of good writing: characters, plot, writing style, pacing, dialogue, believability, imagination, value and themes.

Now, I am going to say right away that personally I have loved many a book that scores a fat zero in all categories except characters, but I still call it a good book. This is because people matter. A book can hardly be good if there's no connection, no understanding, no revelation. In fact, one of my favorite examples of characters is We Have Always Lived in a Castle, a classic gothic horror. This book meanders on for a long time in a confused, inexplicable mayhem, but suddenly, at the end, you realize who you've been dealing with, and it's like a clap of thunder. I can't say I love the book. It is sinister. But I consider it good because after all that time, I could connect with the characters, and that made it believable. There are a lot of other things going on in that novel that I don't have time to address here, but I have to say that believable, likable or at least interesting characters are the hallmark of good literature. No novel can truly be good if it lacks at least one good character.

Next we can discuss plot. I honestly don't have much to say on this topic because in my opinion every plot that has ever been imagined has, in fact, been written about somewhere, and there is very little likelihood that anything can happen in a book that will surprise me. This is what happens when you've literally read thousands of books. What makes a plot interesting is not so much whether it has a beginning, climax and resolution, although those items are important, but how the author writes about these items. Hence the next two elements.

Pacing and writing style are separate entities, but I'll treat them here together because I have much the same thing to say of each. Writing style, voice, tone, syntax and related items factor greatly into pacing in any case, because if one writes in a comical tone with medium pacing, it loses a lot of its effect. If one is factual and long-winded, it makes for a very heartless read. While I do have some favorite styles of writing personally, both pacing and writing style are contingent on content, and while one can have brilliant style, it falls flat if it's a poor match with the characters, plot and general writing.

Dialogue is sort of a sub-category of both writing style and characters. Good dialogue is interesting, believable and helps advance either plot or character development. While some critical background is helpful at times, it's easy to lose interest in a story if none of the dialogue makes sense for the person who is saying it.

IDK, I could go on. I feel like I've touched on believability. Books have got to be captivating, and there has to be something tangible in there to make them so. Imagination would seem to be an opposite of that, but they actually play together well, balancing each other to stretch the limits of what should be possible.

I'm not sure what to say about value and themes that I haven't said about feelings already. But basically, if a book makes me feel like garbage for reading it, it doesn't matter what else it has done right.

So, anyway, that's my 2 cents or whatever. Sorry I'm finishing this so lamely, but I've got a lot of Don Quixote to finish before I have to return it to the library on Tuesday, so I'll talk to youse later.